WEBVTT

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Today I want to
tell my own story.

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We will talk about my
childhood and time at school–

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–my life as a PhD
student in mathematics–

4
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–my life in
medical school–

5
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–and the case brought by
the Swedish authorities–

6
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–that eventually barred me from
all higher education in Sweden.

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This is a difficult subject.

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While it may not be particularly difficult to
describe the observable sequence of events–

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–I do believe it is difficult to explain
what lies behind these observable events.

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But today I want
to attempt this.

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My goal is to be as
objective as I can be.

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I don’t want to
sugarcoat things.

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But I also don’t want to
downplay my trauma.

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To make this story as comprehensible as possible,
I’d like to start by discussing two general concepts.

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A ‘sensitive’ person
is a person who–

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–reacts strongly to
external stimuli.

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You may think that this
is a rather simple concept.

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But it is difficult to precisely define
what we mean by a person’s ‘sensitivity’.

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It is also not trivial to
measure a person’s sensitivity.

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Let us compare this with a simpler
concept: a person’s height in feet.

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We all know what we mean
by the ‘height’ of a person–

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–and how to quantify
this in feet.

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We also know how to measure
the height of a particular person.

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So it is easy to determine if a person is taller
than the average person in his age bracket, say.

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Suppose you measure the height of
every 18-year-old male in a large city.

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Then you would get an outcome
like the one in this histogram.

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However, the concept of a person’s
sensitivity is far less straightforward.

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Firstly, sensitivity is selective.

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Just because someone is highly
sensitive to one kind of stimulus–

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–does not mean that they are equally
sensitive to some other kind of stimulus.

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Lisa, for instance, is highly sensitive to
harsh criticism, which really gets to her.

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Yet, she might be completely
unfazed by disturbing news on TV.

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Or the other
way around.

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So ideally, you should have one ‘sensitivity
variable’ per <i>category</i> of external stimulus.

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But even if we were to employ such
a categorisation of ‘simulus types’–

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–it would still not be easy to
quantify a person’s sensitivity.

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It is hard to precisely quantify <i>how</i>
sensitive a person is to the stimulus.

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Should you consider the probability
of a reaction to the stimulus?

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Or the duration
of the reaction?

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Or maybe the peak
intensity of the reaction?

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And how do you even
measure the intensity?

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Clearly, ‘sensitivity’ is
a complex concept.

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It is not really possible to
quantify a person’s ‘sensitivity’–

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–in any simple and precise
way that is still meaningful.

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However, if we just
remember that each person–

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–is only sensitive to certain
categories of external stimuli–

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–then maybe we can
very roughly say if–

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–someone is more ‘sensitive’
than ‘most’, for example.

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And maybe we could find some
way to roughly quantify this.

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Then, if you were to measure the
sensitivity in a group of people–

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–you would probably get a result
similar to our height histogram.

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Most people are of average sensitivity.

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Some are more sensitive,
and some are less sensitive.

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But what does this have
to do with my story?

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Well, I think that if you would
place me on a scale like this–

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–I would end up at the far right–

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–which makes life more difficult.

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But what evidence support the
hypothesis that I am this sensitive?

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Well, there is quite a lot and
I can give you a few examples.

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For example, it is very
important to me that people–

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–understand and listen
to each other.

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If I ever observe a conflict
between two people–

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–who are hurting and not
really listening to each other–

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–that weighs heavily on me.

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This is especially so if there is
some form of injustice involved–

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–or if one of the parties
is especially vulnerable.

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When this happens, I will be constantly
and intensely thinking about this conflict–

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–almost all waking
hours for weeks.

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What can I do to
help these persons?

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I just cannot let it go.

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I am also profoundly
affected by my environment–

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–such as the gloom of
the Swedish winter–

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–when it’s grey and dark outside,
the ground is covered by polluted slush–

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–and the branches of the trees are
like naked skeletons without leaves.

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Then I am struck with a strong
feeling of unease, even anxiety.

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Just thinking of these months
can induce this state of mind.

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I am also greatly
affected by beauty.

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I last watched <i>Titanic</i> (1997)
a couple of decades ago.

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I watched it at night
before going to bed.

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That night I suddently woke up
at three or four in the morning–

81
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–with a profound and almost
unbearable feeling of emptiness.

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It felt as if all the beauty and happiness
in the world had sunk with the ship–

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–and all that remained in my
world was emptiness and sadness.

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It was almost
unbearable.

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Also a couple
of decades ago–

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–I did not dare to watch
<i>The Phantom of the Opera</i> (2004).

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Because if I had
watched the film–

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–I would have been unable
to perform my normal daily tasks–

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–for days or weeks–

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–just because these tasks had felt
so utterly meaningless compared to–

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–the ineffable beauty of this film.

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Everything else had just
felt so meaningless.

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I am also sensitive to nudity.

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I never go to the beach,
but if I would end up there–

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–and you would measure my
brain activity using electrodes–

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–you would see it spike at the
sight of all half-naked people.

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At least if they were
about my age.

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It is not that I think there
is something morally wrong–

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–with that kind of partial nudity.

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I just can’t help that my brain
reacts very strongly to it.

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I’m so very unaccustomed to it.

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Even when I’m alone...

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I can wear short sleeves–

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–but that’s as far as I can go.

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I would feel very uncomfortable
showing more skin than that.

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Later on, we will see more
examples of my ‘sensitivity’.

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But I think that what we have seen so far
already justifies the hypothesis that–

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–I belong to the far-right
end of the sensitivity scale.

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When it comes to the categories
of stimuli that I am sensitive to–

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–I believe it is fair to say
that I am <i>very</i> sensitive.

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But even if I belong to the far-right
end of the sensitivity scale–

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–this does not mean that I am
that sensitive to <i>everything</i>.

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Because sensitivity
is selective.

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Just as people’s fears vary,
so do their sensitivities.

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In some ways, I’m not
at all that sensitive.

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For instance, the thought of my
own mortality no longer scares me.

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I have long been well aware of life’s
conditions and its temporal limits.

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And as for myself, I am not afraid
of falling victim to violent crime–

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–or of facing war
or natural disasters.

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Maybe this is because I
am not afraid of death–

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–but I think the
main reason is that–

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–all my life I have
seen accounts of–

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–crime, war, and
catastrophes on the news.

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These events are not any
less horrible just because–

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–they happen in some far
away country, for example.

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I have always known the same
things could happen to me.

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This is something I have thought
about a lot for a very long time.

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So I almost feel
finished with it.

129
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And as a medical student (as I was)
or physician (as I was about to become)–

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–I had no problems whatsoever with
nudity in patients in the clinical context.

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<i>In that capacity</i>, such nudity felt like the
most natural thing in the world to me.

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Because then I was so deeply
immersed in my role as a doctor–

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–which is all about
helping the patient–

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–in the most professional, empathetic,
and scientifically sound manner possible.

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I was completely focused on
the patient as a human being–

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–and on their organism
and its biology.

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In <i>that</i> context, all forms of nudity were like
the most natural thing in the world to me.

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So while I am very
sensitive to many things–

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–I am certainly not that
sensitive to <i>everything</i>.

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The other subject I wish to cover
before we get into my personal story–

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–is ‘invisible pain’–

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–for example in the context
of mental health issues.

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Indeed, a person can suffer
from intense mental pain–

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–even if it is not
apparent to others.

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However, the <i>consequences</i> of the illness
are often readily observed by others.

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The affected person may not be able
to live up to all of the expectations–

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–that others have of their social
behaviour and work performance.

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If people observe this
impaired performance–

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–and do not understand the severity
of the underlying mental distress–

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–they may misinterpret
the struggling individual.

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They may perceive them as lazy, selfish,
or lacking in self-awareness and empathy.

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But should they truly grasp the
individual’s overwhelming pain–

153
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–they would realise that this
person is anything but selfish.

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They would appreciate how
incredibly <i>strong</i> the individual is–

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–remaining as considerate as they are
in spite of their agonising inner pain.

156
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It is also important to remember
that we are all different–

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–and are differently equipped
to face the hardships of life–

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–all depending on
innate biology and life history–

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–and this ‘life history’ includes
various forms of support networks.

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Even if two individuals encounter
exactly the same event–

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–they may not respond
in the same way.

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The event may prove profoundly
traumatic for one of them–

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–while the other is
hardly affected at all.

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It is perhaps even more important
to appreciate that mental agony–

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–can exist even if there
is not any obvious cause–

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–that is readily identified
and understood by others.

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For example, suppose that Anna experiences
an event which is highly traumatic for her–

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–even though that same event would <i>not</i>
be traumatic for most other people.

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Then those around Anna may find
it difficult to appreciate her pain–

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–because they do not realise
that what she has experienced–

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–can indeed be traumatic.

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It may well be a
profound trauma for her–

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–even if it would not be
so for most other people.

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This does not make Anna’s
trauma any less real.

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I can easily imagine a situation
in which Anna and Erik are–

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–suffering from exactly the same level of
mental anguish after two separate events.

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00:16:27.799 --> 00:16:35.840
However, the thing that happened to Erik
is universally understood to be traumatic–

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–so most people appreciate that Erik
has suffered a truly traumatic ordeal.

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They understand the
pain he is carrying.

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And they understand that
he may not be able to meet–

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–all the usual expectations
while carrying such a burden.

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00:16:55.240 --> 00:17:00.840
But even if Anna is carrying exactly
the same burden after her ordeal–

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–if this is an event that most people
struggle to perceive as traumatic–

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00:17:07.000 --> 00:17:12.519
–then they may not even believe
Anna when she speaks of her pain.

185
00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:20.000
They might see her as selfish
and lacking in empathy.

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00:17:22.759 --> 00:17:27.680
They might even punish her,
instead of providing support.

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Clearly, the specific problem
with invisible pain is–

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–the invisibility itself combined with
the apparent arbitrariness of the causes–

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–both of which can lead others to respond in
ways that are incredibly counterproductive.

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Now I wish to
tell my own story.

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I was born in 1987.

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There is not much to say
about my early childhood–

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–except, perhaps, that the social
circle of my family was rather limited.

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I had no regular contact
with anyone my own age.

195
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Most people I met on a daily basis
had already reached retirement age.

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00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:34.799
At the age of seven,
I started primary school.

197
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My only interaction with people of my
own age was with my classmates.

198
00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:46.720
However, I rarely spent time with
them outside of school hours.

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I remember that I preferred the company
of the girls, rather than that of the boys.

200
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I struggled with
the ‘laddishness’–

201
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–that boisterous brashness, that unrefined
demeanour often manifested by the boys.

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I found it quite
uncomfortable.

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I much preferred the calmer, gentler, and
more considerate demeanour of the girls.

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I also found it easier to
identify with the girls.

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00:19:24.359 --> 00:19:30.839
It felt as if they were almost
the same kind of being as I was.

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00:19:31.000 --> 00:19:34.359
I did not feel that
way with the boys.

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I soon became very fond of
one of the girls in particular.

208
00:19:43.799 --> 00:19:46.799
What do I mean by ‘fond’?

209
00:19:47.000 --> 00:19:51.559
Well, probably much the same
as what is usually meant–

210
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–when speaking of a child of that
age having a ‘crush’ on a classmate.

211
00:19:58.880 --> 00:20:03.920
But in my case, this became a
rather profound infatuation.

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I felt a strong desire to
be near her, to be with her–

213
00:20:08.319 --> 00:20:10.880
–and to receive
her attention.

214
00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:16.160
But of course, there was very
little actual contact between us.

215
00:20:16.279 --> 00:20:23.359
I did not possess nearly enough social
skills to initiate a relationship with her.

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00:20:23.440 --> 00:20:27.759
And besides, we were only children.

217
00:20:30.039 --> 00:20:35.359
Three years later, I moved up to
the next stage of primary school.

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00:20:36.359 --> 00:20:42.440
At this time, I very seldom associated
with my classmates outside school hours.

219
00:20:43.880 --> 00:20:46.880
I felt that I did not fit in.

220
00:20:47.079 --> 00:20:52.440
It felt as if I were a different kind
of being than my classmates.

221
00:20:54.640 --> 00:21:01.119
I found it somewhat easier to identify
with the adults, such as my teachers.

222
00:21:02.160 --> 00:21:06.359
So I did not feel at home
being a child, or a student.

223
00:21:06.440 --> 00:21:11.200
I would rather have been
a part of the adult world.

224
00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:15.240
It felt as if that world
would suit me better.

225
00:21:18.960 --> 00:21:23.079
By sixth grade, I was always
alone during the breaks.

226
00:21:23.119 --> 00:21:28.640
I would stand with my back against
the wall, just outside the door–

227
00:21:28.680 --> 00:21:32.359
–simply waiting for
the bell to ring.

228
00:21:34.759 --> 00:21:40.960
And a significant part of my mind was
occupied by one of the girls in my class–

229
00:21:41.079 --> 00:21:44.799
–a new girl, of whom I
had become very fond.

230
00:21:47.039 --> 00:21:52.359
This infatuation dominated
my life at this time.

231
00:21:53.359 --> 00:21:58.279
I wanted so desperately to be
with her and to have her attention.

232
00:21:58.319 --> 00:22:00.960
But of course,
it was not to be.

233
00:22:02.759 --> 00:22:07.079
Three years later I moved up to
the final stage of compulsory school.

234
00:22:07.119 --> 00:22:13.400
I was accepted into a class with a particular
emphasis on mathematics and science.

235
00:22:14.200 --> 00:22:16.920
And this proved
to be a perfect fit.

236
00:22:17.039 --> 00:22:22.720
I soon discovered that I loved everything
related to mathematics and science.

237
00:22:23.200 --> 00:22:29.200
I was particularly fascinated by
comprehensive, systematic theories such as–

238
00:22:29.319 --> 00:22:35.000
–the theory of chemical bonding and
the nomenclature of organic chemistry.

239
00:22:37.079 --> 00:22:41.400
However, beyond my studies,
things were going downhill in life.

240
00:22:42.119 --> 00:22:46.559
By this time, I <i>never</i> associated with
classmates outside school hours.

241
00:22:46.680 --> 00:22:51.720
I felt absolutely no sense of
belonging among my peers.

242
00:22:52.079 --> 00:22:55.440
This made me feel isolated.

243
00:22:57.160 --> 00:23:01.759
I wished that there were some
group of people that were like me–

244
00:23:01.839 --> 00:23:07.240
–but I had no idea whether such a group
existed, and – if so – where to find it.

245
00:23:08.880 --> 00:23:12.200
I devoted essentially all
of my time to my studies.

246
00:23:12.359 --> 00:23:16.759
I made detailed lecture notes,
which I would scan digitally.

247
00:23:17.000 --> 00:23:22.359
I spent my summer holidays
revising the past year’s courses–

248
00:23:22.480 --> 00:23:27.680
–to ensure that the knowledge
remained fresh in my mind.

249
00:23:29.720 --> 00:23:33.880
If ever I failed to receive
the highest grade on a test–

250
00:23:33.920 --> 00:23:36.799
–I felt as if I did
not deserve to live.

251
00:23:36.839 --> 00:23:41.519
At least that was how I felt
for a few months afterwards.

252
00:23:43.759 --> 00:23:49.079
And I am not exaggerating.
This was precisely how I felt.

253
00:23:51.960 --> 00:23:59.960
It was also during this period that I began to
contemplate existential and ethical questions.

254
00:24:00.519 --> 00:24:06.799
I compiled my observations into documents
that I would publish on the World Wide Web–

255
00:24:06.880 --> 00:24:11.200
–which, at that time, was
a relatively new invention.

256
00:24:13.440 --> 00:24:18.039
Some of these questions induced
a certain disquietude in me–

257
00:24:18.160 --> 00:24:22.319
–for instance, the
problem of other minds.

258
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:29.119
However, the matters that
weighed most heavily upon me–

259
00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:34.119
–were ethical questions of a
significantly more mundane character–

260
00:24:34.160 --> 00:24:37.759
–particularly issues
related to animal rights.

261
00:24:38.920 --> 00:24:43.680
I realised that there was an immense
amount of suffering endured by animals–

262
00:24:43.720 --> 00:24:46.720
–including by those
kept by humans.

263
00:24:47.799 --> 00:24:56.920
And despite this, animal rights was not
considered a foremost political concern.

264
00:24:57.039 --> 00:25:01.160
The awareness of
such vast suffering–

265
00:25:01.920 --> 00:25:06.119
–so often
disregarded by others–

266
00:25:06.200 --> 00:25:11.920
–was deeply painful and caused
me many a sleepless night.

267
00:25:16.119 --> 00:25:21.839
However, what dominated my
thoughts during these three years–

268
00:25:21.920 --> 00:25:28.000
–was a new female classmate,
of whom I had become very fond.

269
00:25:29.440 --> 00:25:34.000
And this infatuation
was obsessive.

270
00:25:34.720 --> 00:25:39.319
I thought about her
every hour of every day.

271
00:25:41.079 --> 00:25:47.559
This became but an anguished longing,
for – unsurprisingly – we never became friends.

272
00:25:48.519 --> 00:25:57.559
What also proved painful was
the realisation that my peers–

273
00:25:58.079 --> 00:26:04.000
–had already begun entering into
intimate, physical relationships.

274
00:26:04.279 --> 00:26:12.240
The mere thought of it
was immensely painful.

275
00:26:14.960 --> 00:26:22.160
It was harrowing to know that I
existed in some parallel universe–

276
00:26:22.599 --> 00:26:27.359
–in which physical intimacy
was an impossibility.

277
00:26:27.720 --> 00:26:34.680
All I could do was to observe as my peers formed
increasingly intimate, physical relationships.

278
00:26:34.759 --> 00:26:37.480
It was immensely painful.

279
00:26:41.000 --> 00:26:49.880
The only physical ‘intimacy’ I experienced in those
three years occurred in a crowded study room–

280
00:26:50.119 --> 00:26:59.680
–when a female classmate
happened to brush against me.

281
00:27:00.640 --> 00:27:06.680
It was shortly before the summer holidays,
and as we both wore short sleeves–

282
00:27:06.759 --> 00:27:10.079
–there was direct
skin-to-skin contact.

283
00:27:10.319 --> 00:27:16.599
To me, this was a momentous occasion,
something I would dwell upon for months.

284
00:27:17.079 --> 00:27:20.920
That was the extent of the
physical intimacy I received.

285
00:27:23.640 --> 00:27:30.559
Throughout these three years,
anxiety was my constant companion.

286
00:27:31.400 --> 00:27:39.480
I lived in a state of
perpetual sorrow and unease.

287
00:27:41.480 --> 00:27:46.799
I seldom experienced a
day free from a headache.

288
00:27:49.920 --> 00:27:53.119
Following my nine years
of compulsory schooling–

289
00:27:53.160 --> 00:27:57.160
–I entered the science programme
at upper secondary school.

290
00:27:57.319 --> 00:28:00.240
I loved mathematics
and the natural sciences.

291
00:28:00.319 --> 00:28:03.319
I devoted most of my
time to my studies–

292
00:28:03.359 --> 00:28:06.880
–and to independent software
development projects.

293
00:28:08.240 --> 00:28:11.839
I never spent time with my
classmates outside of school.

294
00:28:11.880 --> 00:28:16.920
And even during school hours, my
interaction with them was minimal.

295
00:28:17.839 --> 00:28:21.440
Each day, I was the
first to arrive at school–

296
00:28:21.480 --> 00:28:24.680
–perhaps half an hour
before classes began.

297
00:28:24.720 --> 00:28:28.240
I would stand just
outside the classroom–

298
00:28:28.319 --> 00:28:33.480
–my back against the wall,
carrying my books and ring binder–

299
00:28:33.519 --> 00:28:36.519
–almost like a
royal guard.

300
00:28:38.359 --> 00:28:43.200
In class, I sat by myself,
and I ate my lunch alone.

301
00:28:43.319 --> 00:28:49.839
I spent the remainder of the lunch break
standing outside the next classroom.

302
00:28:53.599 --> 00:29:00.640
Yet, as always, my thoughts
were dominated by a new–

303
00:29:00.880 --> 00:29:07.880
–female classmate, Elin, for whom
I had developed a profound affection.

304
00:29:08.960 --> 00:29:17.680
I felt an overwhelming sense of longing
for friendship, belonging, and intimacy–

305
00:29:18.079 --> 00:29:21.839
–and I wished that I could
get all of this from her.

306
00:29:22.920 --> 00:29:32.440
Yet, as always, this remained
but a painful and futile desire.

307
00:29:32.519 --> 00:29:35.640
Having no contact with
any of my classmates–

308
00:29:35.680 --> 00:29:40.079
–of course I was not able to
form any relationship with her.

309
00:29:45.400 --> 00:29:52.279
One evening, I sat in front of my
computer and searched the Internet–

310
00:29:52.759 --> 00:29:55.759
–for Elin’s name–

311
00:29:56.440 --> 00:30:01.599
–and then I came across a few
pages from her sports club.

312
00:30:01.880 --> 00:30:06.079
On these pages, I could read
about her and her boyfriend.

313
00:30:09.000 --> 00:30:13.319
It was then I discovered
she had a boyfriend at all.

314
00:30:13.440 --> 00:30:17.319
And that realisation hurt.
It was excruciating.

315
00:30:17.920 --> 00:30:23.640
For the rest of the evening, I paced back
and forth in my room in a cold sweat.

316
00:30:23.960 --> 00:30:30.160
Every few minutes, I had to wipe away
the perspiration from under my arms.

317
00:30:30.640 --> 00:30:36.599
For hours, I walked in circles,
drenched in a cold sweat.

318
00:30:37.400 --> 00:30:40.079
That night I could
not sleep at all–

319
00:30:40.119 --> 00:30:45.960
–and the following day, I realised just
how profoundly this had affected me.

320
00:30:46.799 --> 00:30:53.279
I had lost all
motivation to study.

321
00:30:53.720 --> 00:30:58.119
I could not even enjoy
mathematics or science.

322
00:30:59.599 --> 00:31:07.279
It was as if my entire will to live
and to learn somehow was derived–

323
00:31:07.599 --> 00:31:14.000
–from some kind of desire to
make an impression on Elin.

324
00:31:21.880 --> 00:31:28.279
The following months were difficult,
as I could no longer hope for a–

325
00:31:28.480 --> 00:31:32.000
–relationship with Elin.

326
00:31:32.640 --> 00:31:36.440
I was no longer able to
sit through my classes.

327
00:31:36.559 --> 00:31:39.559
Instead, I paced the corridors.

328
00:31:41.000 --> 00:31:46.599
A full circuit of the school
took only a few minutes–

329
00:31:46.720 --> 00:31:54.359
–and these laps now occupied
most of my school days–

330
00:31:54.559 --> 00:31:57.559
–as I tried to
ease the anxiety.

331
00:32:01.039 --> 00:32:08.000
After a few months, my condition
improved slightly, but not by much.

332
00:32:11.519 --> 00:32:16.519
My final two years of upper
secondary school were eventful.

333
00:32:18.319 --> 00:32:23.680
On the very first day of the autumn term,
I noticed a new student in the class.

334
00:32:23.720 --> 00:32:26.559
Let us call her Klara.

335
00:32:27.480 --> 00:32:31.759
She was a remarkable
and unique person.

336
00:32:33.000 --> 00:32:37.599
On several occasions, she chose
to sit next to <i>me</i> during class.

337
00:32:37.640 --> 00:32:43.799
As a result, we became lab partners
for the remainder of the year.

338
00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:50.160
She likely saw that I was
struggling and wanted to help.

339
00:32:50.799 --> 00:32:56.200
This was incredibly courageous
and almost un-Swedish of her.

340
00:32:56.839 --> 00:33:01.799
Never before had anyone
reached out to me in that way.

341
00:33:04.160 --> 00:33:11.400
And her hypothesis was, of course,
correct: I was in desperate need of help.

342
00:33:11.759 --> 00:33:18.319
It occurred to me, that maybe I
could tell Klara about my situation–

343
00:33:18.480 --> 00:33:24.359
–and use her as some kind
of emotional sounding board.

344
00:33:25.480 --> 00:33:35.119
Yet, I abhorred the thought of asking a
classmate for help with my personal struggles.

345
00:33:35.359 --> 00:33:39.759
I much preferred to be
the one helping others.

346
00:33:41.799 --> 00:33:45.559
But eventually I yielded.

347
00:33:45.680 --> 00:33:50.839
I reached out to Klara and
asked to speak with her.

348
00:33:51.160 --> 00:33:56.839
I confided in her about my struggles,
and she took it all remarkably well.

349
00:33:59.480 --> 00:34:06.119
She suggested that we should go for
a walk together some day after school.

350
00:34:06.319 --> 00:34:10.400
I was certainly not prepared
for that, but I agreed.

351
00:34:11.199 --> 00:34:18.360
And so, one day we met after school
and took a long walk in the countryside.

352
00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:25.239
This was one of the
happiest days of my life.

353
00:34:25.440 --> 00:34:31.639
It felt like nothing I had experienced before.
It was almost as if I had a real friend.

354
00:34:34.639 --> 00:34:40.599
As we approached the end of our walk,
Klara wanted to stop at a supermarket.

355
00:34:40.760 --> 00:34:48.239
This, too, felt extraordinary: it was as if we
were a couple doing the grocery shopping.

356
00:34:48.400 --> 00:34:52.079
To me, it felt
profoundly intimate.

357
00:34:57.159 --> 00:35:03.960
After the shopping, I was
invited to Klara’s home.

358
00:35:06.079 --> 00:35:10.320
As we stepped inside,
Klara removed her shoes–

359
00:35:10.519 --> 00:35:13.519
–and went barefoot.

360
00:35:15.719 --> 00:35:22.800
I was taken aback, and I had to make
an effort not to look down at the floor.

361
00:35:23.320 --> 00:35:29.599
It is not that I consider it morally
wrong to expose that much skin.

362
00:35:29.679 --> 00:35:31.800
Not at all.

363
00:35:32.840 --> 00:35:37.519
I was just so utterly
unaccustomed to such intimacy–

364
00:35:37.599 --> 00:35:43.360
–with another person, particularly
a peer of the opposite sex.

365
00:35:44.559 --> 00:35:47.280
Exceedingly unaccustomed.

366
00:35:48.719 --> 00:35:55.679
I stayed for about twenty minutes
and then I began my walk home.

367
00:36:00.760 --> 00:36:04.440
We had planned to
go for more walks.

368
00:36:04.880 --> 00:36:12.159
And we did so one more time,
but then it never happened again.

369
00:36:12.519 --> 00:36:15.840
Several times we made
arrangements to meet–

370
00:36:15.880 --> 00:36:22.800
–but those plans were always
cancelled at Klara's initiative.

371
00:36:26.800 --> 00:36:31.840
This was a struggle for me,
considering my mental state.

372
00:36:31.880 --> 00:36:39.360
From my perspective, she was the
sole source of relief available to me.

373
00:36:42.880 --> 00:36:47.320
And one day I found
out the reason why–

374
00:36:47.400 --> 00:36:51.719
–she had repeatedly
cancelled our meetings.

375
00:36:52.719 --> 00:36:55.360
It turned out that–

376
00:36:55.679 --> 00:36:58.679
–her boyfriend was
not feeling well–

377
00:36:58.840 --> 00:37:02.280
–and so she wanted
to be there for him.

378
00:37:05.079 --> 00:37:11.480
That was the time I learned
that she even had a boyfriend.

379
00:37:16.079 --> 00:37:20.760
Then I shattered completely.

380
00:37:23.440 --> 00:37:29.000
The pain was beyond description,
and I was immediately taken to–

381
00:37:29.079 --> 00:37:34.159
–the child and adolescent
psychiatric clinic in Eskilstuna.

382
00:37:37.679 --> 00:37:41.400
My time there
was a bleak period.

383
00:37:41.599 --> 00:37:47.559
I was unable to sleep at night,
and I could not bring myself to eat.

384
00:37:48.440 --> 00:37:51.440
And time passed
incredibly slowly.

385
00:37:51.760 --> 00:37:56.599
Watching the minute hand of
the wall clock make a full circle–

386
00:37:56.679 --> 00:38:00.480
–was like enduring
a mental marathon.

387
00:38:01.400 --> 00:38:04.679
And circle after circle it went.

388
00:38:07.679 --> 00:38:13.159
It was here that I was first
prescribed an antidepressant–

389
00:38:13.280 --> 00:38:17.719
–in the form of a selective serotonin
reuptake inhibitor (SSRI)–

390
00:38:17.840 --> 00:38:24.880
–namely, escitalopram, i.e., the one
with only the active enantiomer.

391
00:38:29.119 --> 00:38:34.280
After a few months, my
condition had improve slightly.

392
00:38:39.639 --> 00:38:44.880
But my underlying stressors
remained as present as ever–

393
00:38:45.480 --> 00:38:51.920
–and after a few more months
I sank back into the abyss–

394
00:38:52.480 --> 00:38:58.880
–even though my SSRI dosage had
increased even further by then.

395
00:39:00.960 --> 00:39:06.239
Once again the
anxiety, fear, panic–

396
00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:11.159
–anguish and hopelessness–

397
00:39:13.280 --> 00:39:16.079
–bacame virtually unbearable.

398
00:39:18.000 --> 00:39:24.360
And I had no idea what
I could do about that.

399
00:39:27.199 --> 00:39:33.840
What happened was that I wrote
a large number of letters to Klara–

400
00:39:35.039 --> 00:39:40.239
–in which I pleaded for more
contact, friendship, and warmth–

401
00:39:40.559 --> 00:39:48.159
–to such an extent that I far exceeded the
threshold of emotional blackmail against her.

402
00:39:50.719 --> 00:39:57.199
Then I was admitted to the adult
psychiatric clinic in Katrineholm–

403
00:39:57.320 --> 00:40:01.039
–were I also spent
my 18th birthday.

404
00:40:04.800 --> 00:40:11.239
I was discharged
after a few months.

405
00:40:11.719 --> 00:40:16.039
However, I was not permitted to
return to the school grounds–

406
00:40:16.079 --> 00:40:19.320
–due to the incident
involving Klara.

407
00:40:19.760 --> 00:40:29.639
Instead, I was allowed to complete
my studies there remotely from home.

408
00:40:36.000 --> 00:40:40.119
Immediately after
graduation, I enrolled at–

409
00:40:40.239 --> 00:40:46.599
–the Linköping Institute of
Technology at Linköping University.

410
00:40:48.320 --> 00:40:54.119
I joined the physics programme,
a five-year curriculum leading to–

411
00:40:54.199 --> 00:40:56.679
–a Master of Science degree.

412
00:40:57.440 --> 00:41:05.760
You were able to pick
courses quite freely–

413
00:41:06.239 --> 00:41:11.960
–and I chose to study at least as
much pure mathematics as physics.

414
00:41:15.119 --> 00:41:21.400
I loved mathematics and physics.
I learned primarily by reading the–

415
00:41:21.559 --> 00:41:27.719
–(typically superb) textbooks
from cover to cover at home–

416
00:41:27.800 --> 00:41:31.360
–well before each
course had even begun.

417
00:41:31.760 --> 00:41:34.280
I still attended
the lectures–

418
00:41:34.360 --> 00:41:43.480
–which, for me, served as a form of repetition
or a source of new examples and ideas.

419
00:41:45.159 --> 00:41:50.840
They became a kind of recreation,
enjoyed with a good cup of coffee.

420
00:41:53.280 --> 00:41:58.480
During my third year, I began
working as a teaching assistant–

421
00:41:58.519 --> 00:42:01.840
–at the Department
of Mathematics.

422
00:42:03.159 --> 00:42:11.239
My role primarily involved instructing
engineering students in mathematics.

423
00:42:13.039 --> 00:42:18.480
And this turned out to be the most
rewarding thing I had ever done.

424
00:42:18.719 --> 00:42:23.239
I loved the subjects,
I loved to teach–

425
00:42:23.320 --> 00:42:26.360
–and I thrived in the
role of an educator.

426
00:42:26.519 --> 00:42:33.400
I would spend my evenings at home,
preparing my lectures for the following day.

427
00:42:33.760 --> 00:42:42.280
I could hardly wait to go through
all the fascinating and subtle details.

428
00:42:42.880 --> 00:42:49.519
Teaching gave me a sense of
joy I had never known before.

429
00:42:49.840 --> 00:42:55.679
I decided right then that this
– teaching university-level mathematics – 

430
00:42:55.760 --> 00:42:59.960
–was what I wanted to do
for the rest of my life.

431
00:43:00.559 --> 00:43:07.519
But outside of my studies and
teaching, I was not doing very well.

432
00:43:08.840 --> 00:43:14.519
I had no friends and felt deeply
isolated from the rest of society.

433
00:43:14.719 --> 00:43:19.159
This was especially
true regarding–

434
00:43:19.800 --> 00:43:25.480
–romantic relationships
and physical intimacy.

435
00:43:25.840 --> 00:43:30.559
The mere thought
that people my age–

436
00:43:30.840 --> 00:43:33.840
–were already
experiencing–

437
00:43:34.400 --> 00:43:38.440
–intimate,
physical relations–

438
00:43:39.159 --> 00:43:41.719
–was profoundly painful.

439
00:43:41.920 --> 00:43:45.559
It felt surreal, almost
unfathomable to me.

440
00:43:45.679 --> 00:43:51.199
It was like a gut punch
every time I was reminded–

441
00:43:51.599 --> 00:43:56.119
–that such things actually
occurred among my peers.

442
00:43:58.960 --> 00:44:05.039
Consequently, I began
avoiding newspapers–

443
00:44:05.159 --> 00:44:08.159
–television, and public spaces–

444
00:44:08.519 --> 00:44:12.760
–simply because it hurt
too much to be reminded–

445
00:44:13.000 --> 00:44:18.400
–that I was living alone in
some kind of parallel universe–

446
00:44:18.679 --> 00:44:25.719
–in which friendship and physical
intimacy was an impossibility–

447
00:44:26.039 --> 00:44:33.079
–something that I could only
observe in others, in their world–

448
00:44:33.360 --> 00:44:36.960
–but never
experience for myself.

449
00:44:42.719 --> 00:44:51.440
I recall that I one evening
watched a video clip on the Internet.

450
00:44:52.719 --> 00:44:59.800
A group of adolescents were
socialising at someone’s home.

451
00:45:01.119 --> 00:45:05.079
One of them sat on a sofa–

452
00:45:05.519 --> 00:45:10.400
–but he was not sitting upright,
with his feet on the floor.

453
00:45:10.519 --> 00:45:13.679
Instead, he had his
feet on the sofa.

454
00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:21.239
Then one of his female
friends sat down next to him.

455
00:45:22.400 --> 00:45:27.840
And then his feet came into
contact with her left leg.

456
00:45:28.840 --> 00:45:31.599
He was not
wearing shoes–

457
00:45:32.760 --> 00:45:36.079
–so this implied
direct body contact.

458
00:45:36.920 --> 00:45:44.480
I imagined that they would respond
by pulling their limbs towards them–

459
00:45:44.760 --> 00:45:49.400
–to restore the physical
distance between them.

460
00:45:50.199 --> 00:45:56.239
But they did not: they
just remained like that.

461
00:46:01.000 --> 00:46:05.000
To me, this felt
utterly strange.

462
00:46:08.039 --> 00:46:15.199
It felt surreal that there
were people having–

463
00:46:15.599 --> 00:46:18.760
–friendships
so close–

464
00:46:19.119 --> 00:46:24.159
–that this type of physical
contact, albeit accidental–

465
00:46:24.360 --> 00:46:28.079
–seemingly was deemed
perfectly natural.

466
00:46:28.679 --> 00:46:33.039
This was as far from my
world as you could get.

467
00:46:36.559 --> 00:46:43.960
Of course, I knew that it was
I who departed from the norm–

468
00:46:44.880 --> 00:46:51.519
–and that the film merely
depicted normal behaviour.

469
00:46:53.519 --> 00:46:56.519
But I also knew that ...

470
00:47:02.280 --> 00:47:10.719
–most people were not even aware
of the existence of people like me–

471
00:47:10.920 --> 00:47:15.719
–or of the kind of
challenges I faced.

472
00:47:17.239 --> 00:47:22.360
For this reason, I repeatedly
wrote letters to the editor–

473
00:47:22.400 --> 00:47:30.199
–trying to explain that people
like me actually do exist.

474
00:47:31.800 --> 00:47:38.199
But not once was such
a letter published.

475
00:47:40.199 --> 00:47:47.800
To me, this felt as if society
wanted to silence me–

476
00:47:53.639 --> 00:48:03.440
–to ensure that my kind of struggles
remained unknown to the public.

477
00:48:08.400 --> 00:48:13.639
After five years, I completed my
Master’s degree, as planned.

478
00:48:13.760 --> 00:48:19.840
At the same time, I could no
longer continue teaching–

479
00:48:19.960 --> 00:48:25.559
–as my position as a teaching
assistant was limited to three years.

480
00:48:27.519 --> 00:48:33.079
As a result, I found myself without an
occupation and any source of income.

481
00:48:33.280 --> 00:48:35.920
And to me, that
was a problem.

482
00:48:36.159 --> 00:48:42.519
Because I am exceptionally bad at elbowing
my way through the labour market.

483
00:48:42.840 --> 00:48:47.840
To succeed on this market, you
need self-confidence, motivation–

484
00:48:47.960 --> 00:48:54.800
–a certain measure of egoism, and
some pragmatic level of dishonesty.

485
00:48:55.280 --> 00:49:00.760
I am about as good at elbowing my
way through the labour market–

486
00:49:00.840 --> 00:49:07.719
–as a drunk five-year-old
is at driving a manual car.

487
00:49:10.360 --> 00:49:15.639
So I chose the option that required
the least amount of mental friction.

488
00:49:15.800 --> 00:49:19.719
And that was to apply
for a PhD position–

489
00:49:19.840 --> 00:49:25.320
–at the very same Department of
Mathematics that I had just left.

490
00:49:29.000 --> 00:49:33.000
I was not allowed to choose
my research topic freely.

491
00:49:33.079 --> 00:49:37.320
Instead, I was given three
options to choose from.

492
00:49:38.320 --> 00:49:41.920
One project concerned
water waves–

493
00:49:42.239 --> 00:49:47.760
–and another the elastic
properties of blood vessels.

494
00:49:48.000 --> 00:49:52.480
I do not recall what
the third topic was.

495
00:49:53.079 --> 00:49:56.920
I did not find any of these
particularly interesting.

496
00:49:57.000 --> 00:50:01.039
I was more drawn
to pure mathematics–

497
00:50:01.159 --> 00:50:05.199
–rather than applied
topics as narrow as these.

498
00:50:05.760 --> 00:50:09.800
But I particularly did not want
to work with blood vessels–

499
00:50:09.880 --> 00:50:14.480
–as I knew that such a topic
would have made me sad.

500
00:50:14.679 --> 00:50:20.119
It would have reminded me of
the fact that I was not a physician–

501
00:50:20.199 --> 00:50:25.239
–a profession I had always
considered to be a ‘good’ one.

502
00:50:26.239 --> 00:50:32.679
Consequently, I applied for the
PhD position about water waves.

503
00:50:35.199 --> 00:50:38.480
I was accepted
almost immediately.

504
00:50:38.920 --> 00:50:46.679
On my very first day, I was informed that
I would, in fact, be working on blood vessels.

505
00:50:47.000 --> 00:50:50.360
I do not know why
and I did not ask.

506
00:50:57.360 --> 00:51:02.760
The very first thing I did then
was to order a dozen textbooks–

507
00:51:02.840 --> 00:51:07.360
–on human physiology
and anatomy.

508
00:51:08.199 --> 00:51:13.679
Because to me, competence and
integrity have always been sacred–

509
00:51:13.800 --> 00:51:18.400
–and I felt that if one is to conduct
research on blood vessels–

510
00:51:18.440 --> 00:51:21.280
–even at a strictly
mathematical level–

511
00:51:21.320 --> 00:51:29.039
–one should be thoroughly acquainted
with the underlying biology.

512
00:51:29.719 --> 00:51:36.880
And so, I devoted a couple of months to
reading these volumes from cover to cover.

513
00:51:37.159 --> 00:51:43.840
During this time I probably studied as
much physiology as in medical school.

514
00:51:44.159 --> 00:51:49.199
Perhaps even more than
that considering that–

515
00:51:49.320 --> 00:51:54.960
–I focused on the fundamental science
and not on its clinical application.

516
00:51:57.639 --> 00:52:00.880
And I fell in love
with these subjects.

517
00:52:00.920 --> 00:52:07.119
I found human physiology and molecular
cell biology to be immensely fascinating.

518
00:52:07.159 --> 00:52:14.639
After these two months I had to proceed with
the more regular aspects of my PhD position.

519
00:52:14.960 --> 00:52:18.880
It consisted of
three components.

520
00:52:19.719 --> 00:52:26.400
The first component was completing
PhD-level courses in mathematics.

521
00:52:27.239 --> 00:52:34.079
The second component was teaching:
I was allowed to continue as an instructor.

522
00:52:34.599 --> 00:52:42.559
And the final component was
the actual blood vessel research.

523
00:52:44.800 --> 00:52:51.679
I was very fond of
the PhD-level courses.

524
00:52:52.159 --> 00:52:58.000
I was able to study subjects ranging
from topology and graph theory–

525
00:52:58.079 --> 00:53:05.679
–to functional analysis, algebra, and
measure and integration theory.

526
00:53:06.639 --> 00:53:09.639
I very much enjoyed this part.

527
00:53:11.039 --> 00:53:18.360
And, obviously, I was thrilled
to be able to teach again. 

528
00:53:19.840 --> 00:53:25.760
In fact, I ‘happened’ to spend my
first two years as a PhD student–

529
00:53:25.880 --> 00:53:29.920
–solely on PhD
courses and teaching–

530
00:53:30.119 --> 00:53:34.760
–i.e., the first two
components of my position.

531
00:53:35.039 --> 00:53:40.960
Consequently, after those two years,
only the blood vessels remained.

532
00:53:41.280 --> 00:53:46.599
I had, so to speak, cherry-
picked the parts that I liked.

533
00:53:49.760 --> 00:53:57.039
And I did not find this
research particularly engaging.

534
00:53:59.039 --> 00:54:02.320
It did not
feel relevant.

535
00:54:04.840 --> 00:54:11.280
And at the same time, my
mental health was poor–

536
00:54:11.440 --> 00:54:17.559
–for all sources of joy in my life,
particularly my teaching duties– 

537
00:54:17.679 --> 00:54:19.960
–had disappeared by then.

538
00:54:20.039 --> 00:54:25.280
All that remained was my loneliness
and ever-present sense of isolation–

539
00:54:25.320 --> 00:54:31.199
–and the research on blood vessels,
a topic in which I found no interest.

540
00:54:33.880 --> 00:54:39.280
I realised that I could not
continue as a PhD student–

541
00:54:39.440 --> 00:54:44.800
–for it did not feel ethical to
accept a salary from the university–

542
00:54:44.880 --> 00:54:48.840
–when I was unable
to fulfill my duties.

543
00:54:50.280 --> 00:54:53.280
Consequently, I resigned.

544
00:54:55.880 --> 00:54:58.719
At the time, I was
unaware that one could–

545
00:54:58.760 --> 00:55:02.320
–be granted medical leave
for mental health reasons.

546
00:55:03.119 --> 00:55:08.519
Before I resigned, I did ask
the university if I could have–

547
00:55:08.639 --> 00:55:12.480
–a position with
only teaching duties.

548
00:55:13.559 --> 00:55:17.719
To me, it would have been a dream
come true to have a position–

549
00:55:17.800 --> 00:55:24.760
–with a 150% teaching load
for 80% of a full-time salary.

550
00:55:24.960 --> 00:55:32.000
I told them that, but they could
not accommodate such a request.

551
00:55:33.280 --> 00:55:36.639
And so, I left the
Department of Mathematics–

552
00:55:36.679 --> 00:55:42.400
–once again finding myself without
either employment or a source of income.

553
00:55:45.199 --> 00:55:50.760
And being the drunk five-year-old behind
the wheel of a manual car that I was–

554
00:55:50.840 --> 00:55:54.920
–I once again chose the option
with the least mental friction.

555
00:55:55.079 --> 00:55:59.840
And that was to apply to the medical
programme at Linköping University–

556
00:55:59.960 --> 00:56:04.599
–an act that required but a few
keystrokes on my computer.

557
00:56:07.280 --> 00:56:14.760
In January 2015, I was enrolled on the
medical programme at Linköping University.

558
00:56:15.760 --> 00:56:21.719
I was not at all looking forward to the
start of the semester, for several reasons.

559
00:56:22.239 --> 00:56:28.760
First, I knew that I would be financially
unable to complete the full programme–

560
00:56:28.840 --> 00:56:32.519
–because I had very little
financial aid remaining.

561
00:56:32.599 --> 00:56:37.519
I realised that I would run out of
money within a couple of years.

562
00:56:37.840 --> 00:56:44.239
This financial conundrum could likely
have been resolved in one way or another.

563
00:56:44.800 --> 00:56:49.440
But given the poor state
of my mental health–

564
00:56:49.800 --> 00:56:57.199
–and my difficulties navigating
the bureaucracy of society–

565
00:56:57.400 --> 00:57:02.400
–I realised that I would not
be able to do this by myself.

566
00:57:02.519 --> 00:57:07.039
Hence, I realised that my medical
education most likely would culminate–

567
00:57:07.079 --> 00:57:11.599
–in some form of tragedy within a few
years, as my funds were exhausted.

568
00:57:13.960 --> 00:57:19.039
I was also suffering from
a profound identity crisis.

569
00:57:19.679 --> 00:57:24.199
Because my
entire self-concept–

570
00:57:24.400 --> 00:57:28.280
–was based on mathematics
and my role as a teacher.

571
00:57:29.400 --> 00:57:33.639
Without this foundation,
I no longer knew who I was.

572
00:57:33.760 --> 00:57:37.519
It was as if I no longer
had a personality.

573
00:57:38.480 --> 00:57:42.920
My identity was based
on being a teacher.

574
00:57:44.000 --> 00:57:46.840
Now I was instead
a student again.

575
00:57:46.920 --> 00:57:51.000
And I have never felt
comfortable in that role.

576
00:57:52.239 --> 00:57:57.199
I also felt a deep sense of grief at
leaving the field of mathematics.

577
00:57:57.239 --> 00:58:01.559
Moreover, I was worried
that I would lose much of the–

578
00:58:01.639 --> 00:58:04.760
–mathematical knowledge
and proficiency–

579
00:58:04.840 --> 00:58:09.320
–that I had spent quite
a few years cultivating–

580
00:58:09.400 --> 00:58:14.280
–now that I no longer
practised it on a daily basis.

581
00:58:21.519 --> 00:58:25.039
Prior to the start of the
semester, we were asked–

582
00:58:25.079 --> 00:58:28.559
–to complete a questionnaire
from the student union.

583
00:58:28.679 --> 00:58:34.239
I was brutally candid, providing a
detailed account of my state of health.

584
00:58:34.400 --> 00:58:40.400
I had hoped that this would trigger
some form of support mechanism–

585
00:58:40.480 --> 00:58:44.840
–but my disclosure met with
no response whatsoever.

586
00:58:46.360 --> 00:58:50.800
Finally, the day of the
formal roll call arrived.

587
00:58:53.719 --> 00:58:58.159
And this was to become one
of the worst days of my life.

588
00:58:58.320 --> 00:59:05.079
To begin with, it was a
pitch-black January day.

589
00:59:05.960 --> 00:59:11.159
I carried the burden of knowing
about my financial predicament.

590
00:59:11.559 --> 00:59:15.800
I had the identity crisis and
absolutely no self-esteem.

591
00:59:15.960 --> 00:59:21.079
And, inevitably, I immediately found
myself not fitting in among my classmates.

592
00:59:21.880 --> 00:59:28.320
Matters did not improve once
the curriculum commenced.

593
00:59:28.840 --> 00:59:34.400
I felt that the quality of
instruction was quite poor.

594
00:59:37.159 --> 00:59:41.039
I also found the pace
to be ridiculously slow–

595
00:59:41.119 --> 00:59:46.119
–and the academic requirements
to be remarkably rudimentary.

596
00:59:49.920 --> 00:59:54.320
The medical programme had
adopted a pedagogical framework–

597
00:59:54.480 --> 00:59:58.079
–known as ‘problem-based learning’ (PBL)–

598
00:59:58.199 --> 01:00:01.199
–which suited
me very poorly.

599
01:00:02.079 --> 01:00:08.280
This approach severely limited the
individual student’s freedom to learn–

600
01:00:08.400 --> 01:00:13.000
–in their own pace and in
their own preferred ways–

601
01:00:13.119 --> 01:00:18.280
–because one was constantly forced
to ‘synchronise’ with one’s peers.

602
01:00:18.559 --> 01:00:24.519
To me, who already had a quite profound
understanding of human physiology–

603
01:00:24.559 --> 01:00:29.280
–and also loved this scientific
subject in its own right–

604
01:00:29.639 --> 01:00:37.039
–this was a profoundly
frustrating experience.

605
01:00:37.840 --> 01:00:43.280
Compounded by my identity crisis, this
process became a trauma in its own right.

606
01:00:43.400 --> 01:00:49.000
Implausible as it may appear, to me, 
this was indeed a traumatic experience.

607
01:00:54.119 --> 01:00:58.039
Still, I did love
the science itself.

608
01:00:58.400 --> 01:01:01.400
Physiology and
molecular cell biology.

609
01:01:01.599 --> 01:01:09.400
During the first semester I read the
MBoTC textbook from cover to cover–

610
01:01:09.679 --> 01:01:14.239
–about 50 pages per day,
learning most of it by heart.

611
01:01:14.480 --> 01:01:19.199
And I truly loved this
book; indeed, I still do.

612
01:01:19.440 --> 01:01:25.679
This is perhaps the finest scientific
textbook I have ever encountered.

613
01:01:26.039 --> 01:01:28.679
An extremely
fascinating topic–

614
01:01:28.840 --> 01:01:34.119
–presented with remarkable
clarity, exquisite typography–

615
01:01:34.360 --> 01:01:37.880
–and amazing micrographs
and illustrations.

616
01:01:38.000 --> 01:01:41.639
So this, at least,
was a source of joy.

617
01:01:45.199 --> 01:01:51.159
A year into the programme, the initial
shock had, for the most part, subsided.

618
01:01:51.639 --> 01:01:57.599
In addition, the curriculum had now shifted
its focus from physiology to pathology–

619
01:01:57.840 --> 01:02:00.840
–a field that was new to me.

620
01:02:01.559 --> 01:02:06.840
This made the programme feel
considerably more relevant to me.

621
01:02:07.440 --> 01:02:11.159
And my classmates were
indeed very nice people.

622
01:02:11.320 --> 01:02:14.599
They were agreeable
and sympathetic–

623
01:02:15.000 --> 01:02:20.239
–very much the kind of people
you enjoy being around.

624
01:02:21.280 --> 01:02:26.159
Indeed, my social alienation
was by no means the result of–

625
01:02:26.280 --> 01:02:30.039
–any deliberate
exclusion on their part.

626
01:02:30.639 --> 01:02:33.639
Rather, it was the
inevitable consequence of–

627
01:02:33.679 --> 01:02:38.000
–a life situation that had long
since spiralled out of control–

628
01:02:38.039 --> 01:02:44.159
–which ideally should have prompted
some social support measures long ago.

629
01:02:47.119 --> 01:02:50.960
I also felt at home in
the role of a physician.

630
01:02:51.239 --> 01:02:54.840
We had a fair amount
of patient contact–

631
01:02:54.960 --> 01:02:59.119
–through our clinical placements
at healthcare centres.

632
01:02:59.199 --> 01:03:02.760
I may have been on the
level of a one-year-old–

633
01:03:02.840 --> 01:03:06.159
–in terms of informal
relations with peers–

634
01:03:07.239 --> 01:03:13.679
–but I felt genuinely comfortable in
a professional leadership capacity–

635
01:03:13.760 --> 01:03:17.239
–and particularly in the
role of the physician.

636
01:03:17.639 --> 01:03:21.800
The role that is all about
helping the patient–

637
01:03:21.920 --> 01:03:26.679
–with nothing but good
intentions, a scientific mindset–

638
01:03:26.800 --> 01:03:33.599
–and a vast amount of
unconditional empathy.

639
01:03:34.719 --> 01:03:39.840
In <i>this</i> role,
I felt at home.

640
01:03:40.440 --> 01:03:46.000
It gave me a new identity after
my departure from mathematics.

641
01:03:50.880 --> 01:03:56.159
The fourth semester
began in August of 2016.

642
01:03:57.320 --> 01:04:01.079
While the first weeks of
it were rather uneventful–

643
01:04:01.119 --> 01:04:05.000
–major storm clouds could
be spotted on the horizon.

644
01:04:06.000 --> 01:04:10.360
To begin with, it was now that I ran
out of student grants and loans.

645
01:04:10.400 --> 01:04:17.360
It was now that the balance on my
bank account began to plummet.

646
01:04:19.719 --> 01:04:26.719
Another exceptionally
heavy burden was–

647
01:04:27.119 --> 01:04:34.719
–a conflict involving two parties
I knew outside the university.

648
01:04:36.760 --> 01:04:42.559
It was a profoundly painful
and acrimonious dispute.

649
01:04:42.960 --> 01:04:48.960
One faction consisted of two individuals,
the other of a single person.

650
01:04:49.159 --> 01:04:53.679
The two parties took
turns hurting each other.

651
01:04:54.159 --> 01:04:59.440
And I could really see how
the lone party, in particular–

652
01:04:59.559 --> 01:05:04.360
–was being systematically
destroyed by the ordeal.

653
01:05:09.360 --> 01:05:14.280
The two parties had likely never had any
working communication between them–

654
01:05:14.320 --> 01:05:22.039
–and now they invariably misinterpreted
each other’s emotions and intentions.

655
01:05:22.440 --> 01:05:26.639
The situation would have been
bordering on the farcical–

656
01:05:26.719 --> 01:05:31.760
–had it not been
so deeply distressing.

657
01:05:34.360 --> 01:05:39.679
I spent hours each week
trying to get the parties to–

658
01:05:39.760 --> 01:05:43.639
–understand each other, and,
in particular, to persuade–

659
01:05:43.719 --> 01:05:49.159
–the ‘stronger’ part to temper their
hostility towards the solitary one.

660
01:05:49.800 --> 01:05:52.280
But this was all in vain.

661
01:05:52.360 --> 01:05:59.880
It was like attempting to breach a concrete
wall by beating one’s head against it.

662
01:06:03.480 --> 01:06:06.639
It had been invaluable–

663
01:06:06.880 --> 01:06:14.079
–had I had someone to turn to for
emotional support during this time.

664
01:06:14.639 --> 01:06:21.320
But barring the two parties of the conflict,
I knew no one outside the university–

665
01:06:21.360 --> 01:06:24.119
–so I had no
one to turn to.

666
01:06:26.199 --> 01:06:32.719
Therefore, I had to heal by myself
after each escalation in the conflict.

667
01:06:35.719 --> 01:06:43.199
I was not thriving among
my classmates either.

668
01:06:44.199 --> 01:06:46.679
I still felt like an outsider.

669
01:06:46.760 --> 01:06:52.679
Every day I observed
as they socialised.

670
01:06:53.119 --> 01:06:55.719
Sometimes they would
walk hand in hand.

671
01:06:55.760 --> 01:07:00.400
At other times, someone would
receive a gentle touch on the arm.

672
01:07:00.440 --> 01:07:04.519
Things that could
not happen to me.

673
01:07:07.159 --> 01:07:11.440
Furthermore, the curriculum’s
focus had now shifted–

674
01:07:11.519 --> 01:07:15.599
–to sexually transmittable
infections (STIs).

675
01:07:16.000 --> 01:07:24.400
Lecturers emphasised that individuals in
my classmates’ age bracket accounted for–

676
01:07:24.519 --> 01:07:29.000
–a significant proportion of all
casual sexual encounters.

677
01:07:30.880 --> 01:07:38.800
It was exceedingly painful to hear
all this, and even to think of it.

678
01:07:39.039 --> 01:07:44.360
This pain lodged itself inside
me, and became chronic.

679
01:07:50.679 --> 01:07:53.679
It truly felt as though–

680
01:07:54.079 --> 01:07:58.239
–I inhabited a different planet
within the solar system–

681
01:07:58.400 --> 01:08:03.920
–and was only able to passively
observe the inhabitants of Earth–

682
01:08:04.079 --> 01:08:12.480
–as they engaged in friendships
and physical intimacy.

683
01:08:13.320 --> 01:08:19.920
All while they remained entirely
unaware of my very existence.

684
01:08:31.600 --> 01:08:37.800
Finally, someone had put
up posters all over campus.

685
01:08:39.880 --> 01:08:44.079
They read,
‘Having sex tonight?’

686
01:08:44.920 --> 01:08:52.560
It was a campaign promoting
safe sex aimed at students.

687
01:08:56.800 --> 01:09:00.880
Seeing these posters
was excruciating.

688
01:09:00.960 --> 01:09:03.359
I just wanted to die.

689
01:09:16.840 --> 01:09:20.399
The pain had
become unbearable.

690
01:09:20.800 --> 01:09:27.479
I felt a desperate need to explain my
situation, to have someone understand it.

691
01:09:31.760 --> 01:09:37.439
Thus, I reached out to
two female classmates–

692
01:09:38.079 --> 01:09:43.760
–with whom I had
previously collaborated.

693
01:09:45.560 --> 01:09:49.079
I told them
about my situation–

694
01:09:49.359 --> 01:09:52.079
–and I told them
about my longing–

695
01:09:52.319 --> 01:09:54.640
–for friendship–

696
01:09:54.800 --> 01:09:56.720
–and intimacy.

697
01:09:58.520 --> 01:10:03.439
They agreed to meet me that
very evening, almost immediately.

698
01:10:04.159 --> 01:10:07.920
And I received a hug
from each of them.

699
01:10:09.319 --> 01:10:13.359
This acted as a
bolus of morphine–

700
01:10:13.640 --> 01:10:16.640
–alleviating some
of the acute pain.

701
01:10:16.720 --> 01:10:21.399
Nevertheless, I remained terrified
of what the future might hold.

702
01:10:24.600 --> 01:10:27.600
Matters did, however,
begin to improve.

703
01:10:29.279 --> 01:10:36.039
Because from that day on, 
I was invited to accompany–

704
01:10:36.239 --> 01:10:40.119
–these two classmates
between lectures.

705
01:10:40.520 --> 01:10:48.640
I was even allowed to join them for
part of their journey home each day.

706
01:10:49.359 --> 01:10:58.960
Consequently, I, too, would linger for
a few moments after the final lecture–

707
01:10:59.239 --> 01:11:04.560
–as they said goodbye
to their circle of friends.

708
01:11:07.640 --> 01:11:11.600
On those occasions,
I too was included–

709
01:11:12.079 --> 01:11:17.920
–receiving a number of parting
hugs from their female friends.

710
01:11:18.600 --> 01:11:23.760
Combined, this meant that
I was receiving far more–

711
01:11:23.880 --> 01:11:29.560
–physical intimacy from female
peers than ever before.

712
01:11:31.159 --> 01:11:38.640
Naturally, this triggered a
strong psychological reaction.

713
01:11:39.319 --> 01:11:44.000
To me, these events were life-changing
and almost incomprehensible.

714
01:11:44.239 --> 01:11:49.439
These moments were constantly on
my mind, every hour of every day.

715
01:11:52.520 --> 01:11:57.039
There was also a strong
physiological response–

716
01:11:57.159 --> 01:12:03.960
–in the form of massive
bulbourethral hypersecretion–

717
01:12:04.199 --> 01:12:10.239
–to such an extent that cleansing
was required several times an hour.

718
01:12:11.079 --> 01:12:16.399
After a couple of days, I also began
to experience pain on my right side–

719
01:12:16.479 --> 01:12:23.119
–likely as a result of this rather
extreme exocrine hyperactivity.

720
01:12:29.359 --> 01:12:32.760
One day, the two
classmates asked me–

721
01:12:32.960 --> 01:12:36.560
–if I wanted to join them
and some of their friends–

722
01:12:36.720 --> 01:12:40.560
–for a concert they
were planning to attend.

723
01:12:42.720 --> 01:12:47.279
This was a remarkable
initiative on their part.

724
01:12:48.279 --> 01:12:54.239
It was a brave and constructive
act, admirable in every sense.

725
01:12:57.680 --> 01:13:03.760
Because this was precisely what
I needed: an explicit invitation.

726
01:13:05.199 --> 01:13:08.199
However, there
was one problem.

727
01:13:08.680 --> 01:13:12.880
What did they mean by
‘some of their friends’?

728
01:13:14.640 --> 01:13:20.359
Upon inquiry, they clarified
that these were male friends.

729
01:13:22.760 --> 01:13:29.800
I realised there was a significant
probability that this included–

730
01:13:29.880 --> 01:13:32.560
–their respective boyfriends.

731
01:13:33.840 --> 01:13:37.359
And this would have been
somewhat of a problem.

732
01:13:37.600 --> 01:13:40.840
Because if I had joined
them for the concert–

733
01:13:40.960 --> 01:13:43.960
–and then been
forced to witness–

734
01:13:44.079 --> 01:13:49.600
–their interactions with
their respective partners–

735
01:13:51.359 --> 01:13:57.479
–with possible public
display of affection–

736
01:13:59.239 --> 01:14:04.039
–I would, in all likelihood, have
suffered a total breakdown.

737
01:14:07.000 --> 01:14:12.960
Quite possibly, I would have ended up
needing emergency psychiatric admission.

738
01:14:16.880 --> 01:14:21.119
I confided these
apprehensions to them–

739
01:14:21.279 --> 01:14:25.359
–and we agreed that I
should not join them.

740
01:14:30.640 --> 01:14:37.760
My decision not to join them
might appear utterly foolish.

741
01:14:40.760 --> 01:14:45.199
I probably appeared like one
of those difficult individuals–

742
01:14:45.279 --> 01:14:48.600
–who simply
<i>cannot</i> be appeased–

743
01:14:48.720 --> 01:14:53.640
–because even when granted
(seemingly) exactly what I wanted–

744
01:14:53.840 --> 01:14:57.159
–in my case, an
explicit invitation–

745
01:14:57.319 --> 01:15:02.560
–from two female
classmates that I liked–

746
01:15:02.920 --> 01:15:05.920
–I remained malcontent.

747
01:15:09.880 --> 01:15:13.960
This, if anything, can make
people lose their patience with–

748
01:15:14.000 --> 01:15:17.600
–and motivation to help
the ‘difficult’ person.

749
01:15:20.760 --> 01:15:24.760
Yet, to this date, I do
believe that this was–

750
01:15:25.079 --> 01:15:27.600
–the right
decision to make.

751
01:15:29.199 --> 01:15:32.199
For if I had
joined them–

752
01:15:32.920 --> 01:15:42.479
–and had witnessed intimacy
and public displays of affection–

753
01:15:42.720 --> 01:15:47.079
–I most likely would have broken
down and maybe caused a scene–

754
01:15:47.199 --> 01:15:50.600
–and I would probably have
required psychiatric care.

755
01:15:50.680 --> 01:15:53.399
And that would
have served no one.

756
01:15:53.520 --> 01:16:00.960
So, even to this date, I do believe that I
did make the most responsible call–

757
01:16:01.119 --> 01:16:03.560
–when I declined the offer.

758
01:16:04.159 --> 01:16:10.159
Even if this proved to be
the final nail in the coffin–

759
01:16:11.000 --> 01:16:15.239
–of my classmates’
motivation to help me.

760
01:16:19.479 --> 01:16:23.720
It soon became apparent that
I had become a significant burden–

761
01:16:23.800 --> 01:16:26.119
–to my two classmates.

762
01:16:26.239 --> 01:16:29.720
So we severed our ties.

763
01:16:31.119 --> 01:16:34.920
From that point, my
condition deteriorated rapidly.

764
01:16:35.319 --> 01:16:41.720
I was admitted to the psychiatric
ward as an emergency case.

765
01:16:43.720 --> 01:16:46.920
I remained there
for a few days.

766
01:16:47.479 --> 01:16:55.119
Prior to my discharge, I was prescribed
a new medication, Atarax (hydroxyzine)–

767
01:16:55.239 --> 01:17:01.439
–intended to facilitate my
presence among my classmates.

768
01:17:01.960 --> 01:17:08.039
I would take a pill before
every lecture and then–

769
01:17:08.199 --> 01:17:12.000
–seat myself in the very
front row of the theatre–

770
01:17:12.119 --> 01:17:16.159
–ensuring my classmates
remained out of sight.

771
01:17:16.520 --> 01:17:21.439
As soon as the lecture concluded,
I would bolt for the exit.

772
01:17:22.880 --> 01:17:27.039
However, this strategy only
held up for a week or so.

773
01:17:29.520 --> 01:17:33.279
Thereafter, I spent my
days confined to my flat–

774
01:17:33.359 --> 01:17:36.840
–in a more or less constant
state of cold-sweat panic.

775
01:17:36.880 --> 01:17:39.000
I could neither
eat nor sleep.

776
01:17:41.439 --> 01:17:47.439
One day, I decided to write
a letter to my classmates.

777
01:17:48.079 --> 01:17:55.119
I felt a desperate need to explain my
situation, to finally be understood.

778
01:17:55.359 --> 01:17:59.079
I wrote to roughly
half of the class–

779
01:17:59.279 --> 01:18:06.760
–detailing my situation
and my longing for–

780
01:18:07.079 --> 01:18:09.399
–friendship
and closeness.

781
01:18:09.680 --> 01:18:15.600
I mentioned my longing for physical
affection, for hugs and the holding of hands.

782
01:18:16.159 --> 01:18:20.399
I sent the letter solely
to my female classmates–

783
01:18:20.479 --> 01:18:24.760
–as they were the ones–

784
01:18:26.199 --> 01:18:29.199
–with whom I
sought a connection.

785
01:18:31.279 --> 01:18:39.560
I had absolutely no need for
male companionship–

786
01:18:40.479 --> 01:18:43.479
–because I had not
been able to–

787
01:18:43.720 --> 01:18:49.239
–obtain any kind of comfort or
support from such a relation–

788
01:18:49.600 --> 01:18:55.039
–however strange that may seem.
That was how my brain was wired.

789
01:18:56.560 --> 01:19:03.880
I was, of course, aware that this
letter carried the risk of expulsion.

790
01:19:04.119 --> 01:19:10.439
But since I was very soon to be forced to
withdraw from the programme anyway–

791
01:19:10.479 --> 01:19:16.640
–due to both my financial
situation and my failing health–

792
01:19:17.159 --> 01:19:20.159
–I did not
view this–

793
01:19:22.800 --> 01:19:26.079
–as a problem, at all.

794
01:19:26.840 --> 01:19:31.119
However, I feared that the
recipients of the letter might feel–

795
01:19:31.159 --> 01:19:32.920
–distressed
or frightened–

796
01:19:32.960 --> 01:19:38.920
–so I made a sincere effort to express
myself as dispassionately and gently as I could.

797
01:19:47.000 --> 01:19:53.520
A few days later, I was summoned to the
university official responsible for the semester.

798
01:19:54.399 --> 01:19:57.880
He shouted at me,
declaring that it was–

799
01:19:57.920 --> 01:19:59.840
–‘utterly inconceivable’–

800
01:19:59.880 --> 01:20:04.119
–that anyone would offer me a
hug only because I needed one.

801
01:20:04.239 --> 01:20:09.039
He appeared
genuinely appalled–

802
01:20:09.199 --> 01:20:13.079
–that I had even
entertained the possibility.

803
01:20:17.000 --> 01:20:22.319
After that meeting,
I was at a total loss.

804
01:20:22.439 --> 01:20:26.000
Suicide was the only thought
that occupied my mind.

805
01:20:26.119 --> 01:20:33.239
Yet, as I realised, there are few
reliable and ‘safe’ ways to go about it.

806
01:20:39.600 --> 01:20:44.199
And so, I spent my days wandering
the streets of Linköping–

807
01:20:44.319 --> 01:20:47.279
–in a state of constant panic.

808
01:20:48.399 --> 01:20:53.760
One evening, as dusk
fell, I noticed that Ågatan–

809
01:20:54.119 --> 01:20:57.119
–suddenly surged
with life–

810
01:20:59.840 --> 01:21:03.439
–as the bars and
nightclubs opened.

811
01:21:04.079 --> 01:21:09.399
I had never before set foot
in such an environment.

812
01:21:10.039 --> 01:21:12.800
I had witnessed scenes
like this in films–

813
01:21:12.880 --> 01:21:18.000
–but now I found myself in
the very midst of this nightlife.

814
01:21:23.359 --> 01:21:27.439
I entered a bar and ordered
beverages containing ethanol.

815
01:21:27.560 --> 01:21:32.399
I was twenty-eight years old and
had never consumed alcohol before.

816
01:21:33.359 --> 01:21:40.680
Now I hoped the spirits
would alleviate my anguish.

817
01:21:45.319 --> 01:21:48.319
And they did.

818
01:21:49.960 --> 01:21:57.119
However, a few hours later, the police,
fearing a suicide attempt, transported me–

819
01:21:57.199 --> 01:22:01.680
–to the psychiatric emergency ward,
where I was admitted for the night.

820
01:22:05.760 --> 01:22:10.079
And this would
become my new reality.

821
01:22:11.359 --> 01:22:16.520
I would spend my days wandering
the streets aimlessly, in panic.

822
01:22:16.840 --> 01:22:20.479
At night, I would ease the
pain by consuming spirits.

823
01:22:20.560 --> 01:22:26.359
On a handful of occasions, the police
intervened and transported me to hospital.

824
01:22:30.000 --> 01:22:34.920
One evening, while I was consuming
spirits at a table in Pitcher’s–

825
01:22:35.000 --> 01:22:39.640
–the bartender approached me
and initiated a conversation.

826
01:22:40.920 --> 01:22:46.399
She remained with me until her
presence was again required at the bar.

827
01:22:46.880 --> 01:22:52.359
At the same time, the police called
and expressed their concerns for me.

828
01:22:52.479 --> 01:22:57.159
They wanted to take
me to hospital again.

829
01:22:58.399 --> 01:23:02.479
Consequently, I approached
the bar to settle my bill.

830
01:23:03.840 --> 01:23:05.960
Then I–

831
01:23:06.239 --> 01:23:09.399
–asked the
bartender–

832
01:23:09.560 --> 01:23:13.279
–if I could
have a hug.

833
01:23:15.319 --> 01:23:21.199
To my disbelief,
she agreed.

834
01:23:21.279 --> 01:23:28.720
She stepped out from behind the counter
and gave me a prolonged embrace.

835
01:23:31.880 --> 01:23:37.039
Shortly thereafter, the police
arrived and took me to hospital.

836
01:23:40.199 --> 01:23:43.600
Sitting in the
waiting room–

837
01:23:43.720 --> 01:23:47.119
–I noticed that
I did not feel–

838
01:23:47.239 --> 01:23:52.319
–the slightest bit sad,
anxious, or depressed.

839
01:23:53.079 --> 01:23:56.880
Every trace of distress and
despondency had vanished.

840
01:23:57.720 --> 01:24:04.279
I felt happy,
almost indecently so.

841
01:24:06.079 --> 01:24:09.520
I had to make an effort
not to appear <i>too</i> cheerful–

842
01:24:09.600 --> 01:24:13.479
–out of consideration for the
other patients in the room–

843
01:24:13.520 --> 01:24:20.479
–who looked profoundly
distressed and sad.

844
01:24:23.239 --> 01:24:29.600
After a brief wait of only an hour,
I was seen by the physician.

845
01:24:29.840 --> 01:24:33.760
It proved to be a most
peculiar consultation–

846
01:24:33.840 --> 01:24:36.840
–as I had nothing to report.

847
01:24:37.520 --> 01:24:41.439
I felt as though I had
no reason to be there.

848
01:24:42.520 --> 01:24:46.720
So, after a brief exchange with the
doctor, I was on my way home.

849
01:24:46.880 --> 01:24:52.840
On my way home, I decided to
buy a thank-you card the next day–

850
01:24:52.920 --> 01:24:55.920
–and give to the
bartender–

851
01:24:56.199 --> 01:25:00.159
–because she had made
such a huge difference to me.

852
01:25:03.199 --> 01:25:07.239
But when I woke up the
following day, I noticed that–

853
01:25:07.520 --> 01:25:11.079
–the effect had almost
completely worn off.

854
01:25:11.319 --> 01:25:17.079
The apprehension, anxiety, and
panic were all beginning to resurface.

855
01:25:19.279 --> 01:25:23.960
But I still went to the supermarket
and purchased a thank-you card.

856
01:25:24.159 --> 01:25:29.319
I wrote something to the effect of,
‘You have no idea what a difference you made.’

857
01:25:29.399 --> 01:25:35.039
My intention was to stop by Pitcher’s
and hand the card to her in person.

858
01:25:36.720 --> 01:25:42.159
However, the anxiety became
overwhelming. In a state of panic–

859
01:25:42.279 --> 01:25:45.399
–I published a
desperate post online.

860
01:25:45.720 --> 01:25:48.720
I then headed
out into the city–

861
01:25:49.000 --> 01:25:54.399
–aimless yet instinctively
moving towards Pitcher’s.

862
01:25:55.039 --> 01:26:00.159
At that moment, the police called me,
inquiring about my whereabouts.

863
01:26:00.479 --> 01:26:04.159
Shortly thereafter, a
police car intercepted me.

864
01:26:04.840 --> 01:26:11.640
Perhaps some five hundred
metres from Pitcher’s.

865
01:26:12.800 --> 01:26:17.039
I told the officers
about my plan–

866
01:26:17.359 --> 01:26:24.640
–and they surprised me by
offering to drive me to Pitcher’s.

867
01:26:25.159 --> 01:26:27.720
And so, they gave
me a lift to the pub.

868
01:26:27.840 --> 01:26:32.800
The policewoman asked if she could
accompany me inside as I delivered the card–

869
01:26:32.840 --> 01:26:35.039
–which I of course
did not mind.

870
01:26:35.840 --> 01:26:40.600
We entered, but unfortunately, the
bartender from yesterday was not there.

871
01:26:40.640 --> 01:26:46.800
Instead, I left the card with a
colleague who promised to pass it on.

872
01:26:47.800 --> 01:26:52.800
Afterwards, the police transported
me to hospital once more.

873
01:26:54.880 --> 01:27:03.439
This serves as a prime example of
my experience with the Swedish police.

874
01:27:03.800 --> 01:27:08.600
The vast majority of those on the
force do a truly outstanding job.

875
01:27:08.880 --> 01:27:13.079
I believe this
incident truly shows–

876
01:27:13.279 --> 01:27:17.119
–how amazing the
Swedish police really is.

877
01:27:22.680 --> 01:27:26.640
This time I spent a week
in the psychiatric ward.

878
01:27:26.880 --> 01:27:32.479
During my stay, I met with the ward
physician on a couple of occasions.

879
01:27:35.039 --> 01:27:44.039
These encounters were not typical
doctor–patient consultations.

880
01:27:44.199 --> 01:27:47.880
Instead, they were more
like ‘conferences’.

881
01:27:49.319 --> 01:27:53.680
The physician was accompanied
by several nursing assistants–

882
01:27:53.760 --> 01:27:57.880
–and a medical student, a fellow
student from my programme.

883
01:27:59.199 --> 01:28:03.840
We were all seated
around a large table.

884
01:28:04.720 --> 01:28:09.159
The ward physician declared that
my letter to my classmates ‘proved’–

885
01:28:09.279 --> 01:28:12.039
–that I was unfit to
practise medicine.

886
01:28:12.399 --> 01:28:17.520
He also saw fit to broadcast a deeply
private (and mostly irrelevant) detail–

887
01:28:17.560 --> 01:28:20.319
–he had found in
my medical records–

888
01:28:20.359 --> 01:28:23.760
–something I had confided
to a previous doctor–

889
01:28:23.800 --> 01:28:27.159
–almost as if he took
pleasure in doing so.

890
01:28:34.560 --> 01:28:39.520
Immediately following
this week-long admission–

891
01:28:39.720 --> 01:28:44.600
–I had a meeting with the leadership
of the medical programme.

892
01:28:44.720 --> 01:28:49.920
I met with the chair and the
vice-chair of the programme.

893
01:28:52.840 --> 01:28:57.279
They explained that I had
‘ruined’ their programme–

894
01:28:57.359 --> 01:29:05.279
–and that their ‘official stance’ was that
my conduct was ‘utterly unacceptable’–

895
01:29:16.960 --> 01:29:19.960
–and that–

896
01:29:21.880 --> 01:29:24.880
–the university intended–

897
01:29:25.600 --> 01:29:29.399
–to seek my expulsion.

898
01:29:38.079 --> 01:29:43.560
The chair explained the
statutory grounds for dismissal.

899
01:29:43.920 --> 01:29:50.399
A student may be expelled if they,
firstly, suffer from a mental disorder–

900
01:29:50.560 --> 01:29:57.680
–and, secondly, constitute a danger to
other students or to university property.

901
01:30:10.159 --> 01:30:15.760
Immediately following
this meeting–

902
01:30:15.880 --> 01:30:23.319
–I had an appointment
with a new psychiatrist.

903
01:30:24.920 --> 01:30:32.000
He stated that, given the
severity of my transgressions–

904
01:30:32.279 --> 01:30:38.279
–there was virtually no prospect
of me continuing my medical studies.

905
01:30:38.920 --> 01:30:43.319
He also wished to offer me
a piece of ‘friendly’ advice.

906
01:30:43.760 --> 01:30:47.159
He suggested that I should
refrain from saying–

907
01:30:47.199 --> 01:30:49.399
–that I wished to
become a GP.

908
01:30:50.000 --> 01:30:54.359
Instead, I should say that I
wished to become a pathologist–

909
01:30:54.399 --> 01:30:58.359
–that is, a physician who
does not see living patients.

910
01:31:01.600 --> 01:31:06.199
In his view, this was a more realistic
objective for someone like me.

911
01:31:06.279 --> 01:31:14.760
By this, I assume he meant someone
lacking social skills and empathy.

912
01:31:17.119 --> 01:31:20.119
I am certain
he meant well.

913
01:31:20.439 --> 01:31:27.760
Yet, if words could kill, I would
have died right there in his office.

914
01:31:28.840 --> 01:31:37.840
Because the role of the physician was the
last one in which I still felt comfortable.

915
01:31:39.479 --> 01:31:44.680
Had he witnessed my meetings
with patients at the health centre–

916
01:31:44.840 --> 01:31:48.840
–I seriously doubt that he would
have made these remarks.

917
01:31:49.279 --> 01:31:52.279
Not by a long
shot, I think.

918
01:31:53.520 --> 01:31:58.640
But the narrative was no longer
being shaped by those who–

919
01:31:58.760 --> 01:32:01.760
–knew and had
actually been there.

920
01:32:02.119 --> 01:32:08.039
Instead, history was now being
written by those in positions of power.

921
01:32:14.439 --> 01:32:22.119
I went to pieces and was once again
admitted to the psychiatric ward.

922
01:32:24.039 --> 01:32:30.159
There, again, I met the ward physician.
He explained to me that the hospital–

923
01:32:30.359 --> 01:32:35.199
–was not a hotel, and that he
did not actually want me there–

924
01:32:35.359 --> 01:32:38.800
–but I was allowed
to stay for the night.

925
01:32:50.119 --> 01:32:58.720
A few weeks later, I received a letter from
the leadership of the medical programme.

926
01:33:00.359 --> 01:33:07.319
They had decided to formally
request my expulsion through–

927
01:33:07.520 --> 01:33:11.800
–the Higher Education
Expulsions Board (HAN).

928
01:33:16.000 --> 01:33:25.079
They asserted that I lacked
the capacity for empathy.

929
01:33:33.159 --> 01:33:41.079
‘His conception of empathy is
to place himself at the centre.’

930
01:33:43.600 --> 01:33:48.720
Furthermore, they concluded that
I suffered from a mental disorder–

931
01:33:48.960 --> 01:33:57.199
–and constituted a danger
to my fellow students–

932
01:33:57.600 --> 01:34:02.640
–rendering me profoundly unfit
for the medical profession.

933
01:34:14.039 --> 01:34:23.880
The emotions following that meeting
cannot be described in words.

934
01:34:27.520 --> 01:34:33.199
I was immediately readmitted
to the emergency psychiatric ward–

935
01:34:36.600 --> 01:34:41.439
–where I again met the same physician,
who discharged me after a day or two.

936
01:34:41.520 --> 01:34:46.720
The following
weeks or months–

937
01:34:47.479 --> 01:34:52.399
–I was gripped by panic, either
at home or wandering the city.

938
01:34:52.720 --> 01:34:55.720
I tried to ease the
pain with spirits.

939
01:34:56.319 --> 01:35:01.359
A number of times, the police transported
me to the psychiatric emergency ward–

940
01:35:01.439 --> 01:35:04.439
–because they feared I
would take my own life–

941
01:35:04.600 --> 01:35:11.439
–or simply because I was too
intoxicated to care for myself.

942
01:35:17.279 --> 01:35:22.319
In the evenings, I would go looking
for the bartender at Pitcher’s.

943
01:35:22.680 --> 01:35:26.880
I asked the staff about her–

944
01:35:27.000 --> 01:35:30.000
–but she had apparently
left her job there.

945
01:35:31.279 --> 01:35:38.600
One of the new staff
members I spoke with–

946
01:35:39.479 --> 01:35:43.520
–was a woman around my age,
or perhaps slightly younger.

947
01:35:44.199 --> 01:35:47.199
Let us call her Aurora.

948
01:35:48.439 --> 01:35:53.439
One evening, I asked
Aurora for a hug.

949
01:35:54.960 --> 01:35:59.279
She struck me
as a remarkably–

950
01:36:00.159 --> 01:36:03.159
–jovial and
sympathetic person–

951
01:36:04.159 --> 01:36:08.760
–and she agreed as if it
were no trouble at all.

952
01:36:09.239 --> 01:36:12.239
She gave me
a long embrace.

953
01:36:14.079 --> 01:36:17.079
It felt like–

954
01:36:17.800 --> 01:36:20.800
–a dose of morphine–

955
01:36:21.319 --> 01:36:24.119
–numbing the worst
of the acute pain–

956
01:36:24.199 --> 01:36:29.119
–an effect that lasted for a
few hours, perhaps even days.

957
01:36:38.600 --> 01:36:46.479
From that night on, I would
visit Pitcher’s every evening–

958
01:36:51.680 --> 01:36:55.640
–hoping, of course, that
Aurora would be there.

959
01:36:57.640 --> 01:37:04.960
During my thirty-minute
walk to Pitcher’s–

960
01:37:05.119 --> 01:37:08.439
–I would intensely and
repeatedly tell myself–

961
01:37:08.479 --> 01:37:13.560
–that the probability of her <i>not</i>
being there was significant.

962
01:37:13.760 --> 01:37:17.199
I carefully visualised
that scenario in my mind.

963
01:37:17.359 --> 01:37:24.359
I thought to myself,
‘Probably she is not there.’

964
01:37:24.760 --> 01:37:31.159
This was a means to
attempt to ease the shock–

965
01:37:32.680 --> 01:37:36.800
–should I arrive only to find
out that she was not there.

966
01:37:38.119 --> 01:37:41.760
It was an example
of coping in practice.

967
01:37:44.920 --> 01:37:48.439
About half of the time,
she was there.

968
01:37:52.439 --> 01:37:59.800
Upon arrival, I would order a
Coca-Cola – no more spirits.

969
01:38:01.520 --> 01:38:07.920
I would sit at a table for
an hour, or two, or three.

970
01:38:10.199 --> 01:38:14.920
Merely being in this environment,
with all the sensory inputs–

971
01:38:15.079 --> 01:38:19.439
–had a small
soothing effect.

972
01:38:22.920 --> 01:38:27.520
Then, after a few hours, when
it was time for me to head home–

973
01:38:27.680 --> 01:38:32.159
–I would approach
Aurora if she was there–

974
01:38:32.279 --> 01:38:36.720
–and receive an
embrace before I left.

975
01:38:45.840 --> 01:38:54.720
It really was as if I had this
very intense, chronic physical pain–

976
01:38:56.640 --> 01:39:00.199
–and the only thing
that would ease it–

977
01:39:02.800 --> 01:39:07.960
–was these brief
encounters with Aurora–

978
01:39:08.840 --> 01:39:12.880
–which I was granted maybe
two or three times a week.

979
01:39:15.680 --> 01:39:21.399
I had difficulties
sleeping at night.

980
01:39:23.640 --> 01:39:28.000
It was like a
tug-of-war in my mind–

981
01:39:29.079 --> 01:39:32.239
–between positive
and negative emotions.

982
01:39:32.520 --> 01:39:38.760
I would look back at my most
recent encounter with Aurora–

983
01:39:40.479 --> 01:39:47.119
–replaying the memory over and over,
trying to immerse myself in it–

984
01:39:47.600 --> 01:39:52.920
–to give the positive
feelings room to breathe.

985
01:39:54.000 --> 01:40:00.840
But this was
indeed a tug-of-war–

986
01:40:01.800 --> 01:40:07.840
–against an immensely strong and
almost infinitely enduring adversary–

987
01:40:08.039 --> 01:40:13.960
–in the form of all the negative
emotions and the anxiety.

988
01:40:17.600 --> 01:40:24.399
If I fell asleep, I would often wake up
an hour later gripped by sheer panic.

989
01:40:29.159 --> 01:40:32.680
This was my
new reality.

990
01:40:34.800 --> 01:40:38.479
I spent my days
at home in a cold sweat.

991
01:40:38.800 --> 01:40:44.720
Each night, I would head to Pitcher’s
hoping for another dose of warmth.

992
01:40:46.199 --> 01:40:55.840
A few months later,
Aurora left Pitcher’s.

993
01:40:57.800 --> 01:41:03.720
She was gone, but all my
struggles, of course, remained.

994
01:41:05.239 --> 01:41:09.159
After winter, I did not
attend the roll call for–

995
01:41:09.279 --> 01:41:12.680
–the fifth semester of
the medical programme.

996
01:41:12.880 --> 01:41:16.279
Consequently, I lost my
place on the programme.

997
01:41:17.439 --> 01:41:28.920
In spite of this, the university chose to
proceed with their petition to HAN.

998
01:41:37.000 --> 01:41:40.920
They justified
this by stating ...

999
01:41:42.680 --> 01:41:48.479
They wrote that they feared I might
otherwise reapply to the programme–

1000
01:41:48.840 --> 01:41:52.720
–or seek admission at
another university in Sweden.

1001
01:41:52.880 --> 01:41:58.960
By having me formally expelled, they
ensured those possibilities were eliminated.

1002
01:42:02.880 --> 01:42:08.560
This was the beginning of a multi-year legal
battle appealed through several instances:

1003
01:42:08.680 --> 01:42:14.920
the Administrative Court,
the Administrative Court of Appeal,
and the Supreme Administrative Court.

1004
01:42:15.039 --> 01:42:19.119
In the end, the
university prevailed.

1005
01:42:23.720 --> 01:42:27.439
I have now told
most of my story.

1006
01:42:27.600 --> 01:42:31.279
By now, it is likely
apparent that a major cause–

1007
01:42:31.439 --> 01:42:37.000
–behind my struggles has been
an exceptionally high sensitivity–

1008
01:42:37.359 --> 01:42:42.960
–a highly unusual skill profile with
unexpected peaks and valleys–

1009
01:42:43.239 --> 01:42:51.119
–and an equally unusual profile
regarding interests, fears, and needs.

1010
01:42:53.000 --> 01:42:56.920
However, I likely need to
clarify this specific need–

1011
01:42:57.000 --> 01:43:00.239
–for female
friendship and closeness.

1012
01:43:01.479 --> 01:43:07.880
Was it friendship or
sex that I was seeking?

1013
01:43:09.840 --> 01:43:14.319
Answering this question is
not entirely straightforward–

1014
01:43:14.479 --> 01:43:19.560
–primarily because standard
Western terminology–

1015
01:43:20.560 --> 01:43:23.399
–simply does not
fit my experience.

1016
01:43:23.560 --> 01:43:27.319
Thus, there is a major risk
of misunderstandings.

1017
01:43:27.439 --> 01:43:30.439
I shall attempt
to explain why.

1018
01:43:33.039 --> 01:43:36.560
It is clear that I
have lacked friendship.

1019
01:43:36.880 --> 01:43:39.439
I have often
longed for–

1020
01:43:39.600 --> 01:43:43.600
–someone who was
always there for me–

1021
01:43:43.760 --> 01:43:46.760
–someone in whom
I could confide.

1022
01:43:47.159 --> 01:43:49.880
Someone to
bounce ideas off–

1023
01:43:49.920 --> 01:43:52.479
–or simply
spend time with.

1024
01:43:53.000 --> 01:43:57.560
It had been of great value,
had I had a friend to consult–

1025
01:43:57.640 --> 01:44:01.119
–when my funds ran
out during medical school.

1026
01:44:01.760 --> 01:44:07.760
And I most certainly needed
support during the family feud.

1027
01:44:09.840 --> 01:44:14.359
However, it is also true that I
have lacked physical intimacy.

1028
01:44:14.960 --> 01:44:20.399
The linguistic problem arises
because these two needs–

1029
01:44:20.520 --> 01:44:24.880
–in my brain, are not
nearly as demarcated–

1030
01:44:25.000 --> 01:44:27.800
–as they tend to
be for most people.

1031
01:44:28.600 --> 01:44:35.119
Most ‘normal’ people
have two separate needs:

1032
01:44:35.319 --> 01:44:39.920
The need for friends and
the need for a partner.

1033
01:44:41.319 --> 01:44:45.319
For these ‘normal’ individuals,
the following principles apply:

1034
01:44:45.399 --> 01:44:49.239
You can have any number
of friends simultaneously–

1035
01:44:49.319 --> 01:44:53.840
–and there are no major
restrictions regarding age and gender.

1036
01:44:54.000 --> 01:44:59.239
And in a friendship, there is
no sexual attraction whatsoever.

1037
01:45:00.159 --> 01:45:08.399
On the other hand, there is typically
an exclusivity to a partner relationship:

1038
01:45:08.800 --> 01:45:12.039
You have at most one
partner at a time.

1039
01:45:12.399 --> 01:45:20.359
And there are often strict requirements
regarding the partner’s age and gender.

1040
01:45:20.560 --> 01:45:25.159
And, finally, there is
a sexual component.

1041
01:45:27.359 --> 01:45:30.359
However, my brain is
not wired this way.

1042
01:45:30.680 --> 01:45:35.920
For me, even the need for
‘normal friendship’ has been–

1043
01:45:36.039 --> 01:45:40.039
–subject to strong preferences
regarding age and gender–

1044
01:45:40.119 --> 01:45:45.000
–requirements identical to
those of a partnership.

1045
01:45:46.119 --> 01:45:49.399
I have never felt a need
for male friendship–

1046
01:45:49.520 --> 01:45:54.600
–and I have always found it
difficult to derive any sense of–

1047
01:45:54.720 --> 01:46:01.399
–security or belonging from a
relationship with a male peer.

1048
01:46:03.359 --> 01:46:08.119
On the other hand, I have always felt
a profound need for female friendship–

1049
01:46:08.159 --> 01:46:11.720
–and the security and connection
 in such relationships.

1050
01:46:11.800 --> 01:46:17.159
And in these instances, there has often
been a longing for physical intimacy as well.

1051
01:46:19.039 --> 01:46:24.079
One could summarise this by saying
that while most ‘normal’ people have–

1052
01:46:24.159 --> 01:46:27.680
–two separate needs,
I have a single, unified one.

1053
01:46:28.159 --> 01:46:32.520
Alternatively, one could say that
I too have two separate needs–

1054
01:46:32.640 --> 01:46:39.119
–but that these two needs in my
case target the same set of people.

1055
01:46:41.239 --> 01:46:45.680
This, naturally, is a major
source of misunderstandings.

1056
01:46:48.760 --> 01:46:53.680
The theme of physical
intimacy and ‘sex’–

1057
01:46:53.760 --> 01:46:56.640
–also presents
linguistic difficulties.

1058
01:46:56.920 --> 01:47:03.000
While it is apparent that I have
a longing for physical intimacy–

1059
01:47:04.159 --> 01:47:12.319
–almost everything associated
with ‘typical adult sex’–

1060
01:47:12.439 --> 01:47:15.439
–is entirely
foreign to me.

1061
01:47:16.840 --> 01:47:24.560
Consider how ‘sex’ is typically portrayed
in popular culture or on the Internet.

1062
01:47:25.520 --> 01:47:30.880
A search of the Internet
reveals countless images–

1063
01:47:30.960 --> 01:47:37.680
–emphasising breasts, gluteal
regions, and external genitalia–

1064
01:47:38.279 --> 01:47:44.520
–‘strange’ clothing
and behaviours–

1065
01:47:48.039 --> 01:47:52.880
–activities involving repetitive
aggressive body movements–

1066
01:47:53.359 --> 01:47:56.359
–unnaturally large
lips, and so forth.

1067
01:47:57.039 --> 01:48:08.399
To me, all of this feels utterly foreign
and truly unpleasant – even disturbing.

1068
01:48:11.239 --> 01:48:15.840
The ‘physical intimacy’ I long
for is something different.

1069
01:48:16.199 --> 01:48:23.680
It is the closeness itself,
and the physical touch.

1070
01:48:24.960 --> 01:48:28.800
Hugs, holding hands,
gentle caresses.

1071
01:48:30.520 --> 01:48:34.880
Simply the sensation that there
is another human being who is–

1072
01:48:34.960 --> 01:48:38.840
–willing to be close to me,
or could imagine being so.

1073
01:48:38.960 --> 01:48:41.960
Who could imagine
touching me.

1074
01:48:47.720 --> 01:48:51.399
I sometimes say that I am
on the level of a small child–

1075
01:48:51.479 --> 01:48:53.720
–when it comes
to things like sex.

1076
01:48:53.800 --> 01:49:02.039
I believe this may be one of the most
pedagogical ways of describing my situation.

1077
01:49:03.000 --> 01:49:06.640
While the sexual desire and
longing are both present–

1078
01:49:06.720 --> 01:49:13.159
–everything related to ‘adult’
sex feels utterly foreign to me.

1079
01:49:21.119 --> 01:49:25.399
Furthermore, physical intimacy
from a female peer carries–

1080
01:49:25.479 --> 01:49:29.960
–immense emotional
significance for me.

1081
01:49:30.359 --> 01:49:36.439
It is almost existential: The sensation that
there is another being in the universe–

1082
01:49:36.600 --> 01:49:43.119
–who is like me and who would consider
being with me and physically touching me.

1083
01:49:43.239 --> 01:49:48.880
I think it is that very sensation
which is most important of all.

1084
01:49:51.960 --> 01:49:58.279
During the spring, I discontinued all
my medication (namely escitalopram)–

1085
01:49:58.600 --> 01:50:01.960
–as I wanted nothing
whatsoever to do with–

1086
01:50:02.079 --> 01:50:06.039
–the Swedish healthcare
system or Swedish physicians.

1087
01:50:06.520 --> 01:50:10.960
I also had to register with the
Swedish Public Employment Service.

1088
01:50:11.039 --> 01:50:17.840
I was assigned an employment officer
specialising in job seekers with disabilities.

1089
01:50:18.039 --> 01:50:25.680
Her task was to secure me
a position as a cleaner at Samhall.
[a state-owned company employing people with disabilities]

1090
01:50:26.760 --> 01:50:31.640
Otherwise, I spent my
days at the restaurant–

1091
01:50:31.680 --> 01:50:34.640
–where I had long
been a regular.

1092
01:50:35.640 --> 01:50:39.640
A waiter at the restaurant had
personal contacts and tried–

1093
01:50:39.680 --> 01:50:44.399
–on his own initiative, to help me
with my employment situation.

1094
01:50:45.319 --> 01:50:49.880
I was soon introduced to a type
of ‘private recruitment agency’.

1095
01:50:50.000 --> 01:50:56.960
After a few meetings, they offered me
a position as a software developer–

1096
01:50:57.039 --> 01:50:59.840
–at a local firm in Linköping.

1097
01:51:00.680 --> 01:51:03.680
I accepted the offer.

1098
01:51:05.439 --> 01:51:08.720
This resolved my
acute financial issues–

1099
01:51:08.760 --> 01:51:12.159
–but not my remaining
health problems.

1100
01:51:12.479 --> 01:51:17.720
Especially not as the legal
proceedings initiated by the university–

1101
01:51:17.800 --> 01:51:21.279
–would continue for
another couple of years.

1102
01:51:24.359 --> 01:51:30.239
This legal case would be
appealed through multiple stages.

1103
01:51:30.319 --> 01:51:35.479
A couple of times a year, a packet
would arrive from the court–

1104
01:51:35.640 --> 01:51:39.239
–containing statements,
rulings, and the like.

1105
01:51:40.960 --> 01:51:43.960
It was never
pleasant reading.

1106
01:51:44.199 --> 01:51:50.399
The university’s characterisations of me as
an individual were deeply painful to read.

1107
01:51:50.479 --> 01:51:57.760
In one of the statements, some of my
classmates had provided accounts of me.

1108
01:51:58.199 --> 01:52:03.520
I panicked and boarded the first
available train to Copenhagen.

1109
01:52:04.119 --> 01:52:10.279
My intention was to head for
the continent, live on the streets–

1110
01:52:10.359 --> 01:52:14.800
–disappear, and die
– hopefully before long.

1111
01:52:16.680 --> 01:52:21.840
But when the worst of the shock had
subsided, I returned to Linköping–

1112
01:52:21.880 --> 01:52:24.760
–where the police
were searching for me.

1113
01:52:28.439 --> 01:52:34.680
I soon became terrified of finding
packets from the court in my letterbox.

1114
01:52:34.920 --> 01:52:39.720
Therefore, I essentially began
to live at the restaurant.

1115
01:52:40.279 --> 01:52:44.560
I would wake up at seven in the
morning and head straight for work.

1116
01:52:44.600 --> 01:52:47.880
After work, I would go
directly to the restaurant–

1117
01:52:47.920 --> 01:52:50.560
–where I would stay
until they closed.

1118
01:52:51.239 --> 01:52:58.159
I would remain while the staff prepared
the dining room for the following day–

1119
01:52:58.439 --> 01:53:02.720
–leaving only when the last of
the waiters finished their shift–

1120
01:53:02.800 --> 01:53:04.920
–often after midnight.

1121
01:53:05.199 --> 01:53:08.199
The only thing I did
at home was sleep.

1122
01:53:12.199 --> 01:53:15.600
The restaurant became
like a home to me–

1123
01:53:16.119 --> 01:53:19.640
–and the staff like a family.

1124
01:53:20.439 --> 01:53:28.600
I was allowed to help out in the dining
room and was included in staff activities.

1125
01:53:29.720 --> 01:53:34.319
During this period, I had some
contact with priests and deacons–

1126
01:53:34.399 --> 01:53:36.399
–from the
Church of Sweden.

1127
01:53:36.720 --> 01:53:40.279
Whenever I spoke with them
and the restaurant came up–

1128
01:53:40.319 --> 01:53:42.680
–I struggled to
hold back my tears.

1129
01:53:43.600 --> 01:53:47.079
The people there meant
so very much to me.

1130
01:53:53.399 --> 01:53:57.960
The final packet I received from
the court, after two full years–

1131
01:53:58.039 --> 01:54:02.960
–I opened at the restaurant,
together with the staff.

1132
01:54:06.239 --> 01:54:11.199
It was the final verdict, and it
was in favour of the university.

1133
01:54:12.600 --> 01:54:17.439
However, the shock was eased
by the presence of the staff.

1134
01:54:17.680 --> 01:54:23.399
It was the first time in my life I had
experienced genuine social support.

1135
01:54:23.560 --> 01:54:29.159
The shock was actually alleviated
by their care and engagement.

1136
01:54:37.079 --> 01:54:43.079
But in spite of all this,
my time at the restaurant–

1137
01:54:43.159 --> 01:54:48.359
–was still primarily
a ‘palliative’ period.

1138
01:54:52.520 --> 01:55:01.000
I was constantly sad and anxious,
feeling as though I had no future.

1139
01:55:01.359 --> 01:55:06.359
It felt, essentially, like a palliative
existence where all I could do was–

1140
01:55:06.439 --> 01:55:09.159
–attempt to ease
the pain of the moment.

1141
01:55:09.680 --> 01:55:13.520
And even that was
largely in vain.

1142
01:55:18.079 --> 01:55:22.600
I did, however, contact a singing
teacher during this period–

1143
01:55:22.800 --> 01:55:29.439
–perhaps as a desperate attempt to
find something worth living for.

1144
01:55:31.479 --> 01:55:37.279
Six months later, I contracted an
upper respiratory tract infection–

1145
01:55:37.319 --> 01:55:40.319
–that made it impossible
for me to sing.

1146
01:55:41.479 --> 01:55:46.359
Common respiratory tract infections
usually resolve within a couple of weeks–

1147
01:55:46.399 --> 01:55:51.840
–and one is typically fully
recovered within a month or two.

1148
01:55:53.119 --> 01:55:57.000
But my pharyngeal
discomfort lingered.

1149
01:55:57.079 --> 01:56:00.920
After two weeks, I visited
the health centre–

1150
01:56:01.199 --> 01:56:05.720
–and the GP concluded that
I was ‘perfectly healthy’.

1151
01:56:07.359 --> 01:56:10.640
However, my
issues persisted.

1152
01:56:12.479 --> 01:56:17.560
Weeks turned into months,
and months turned into years.

1153
01:56:18.479 --> 01:56:23.279
By the time of the final packet
from the court (i.e., two years later)–

1154
01:56:23.359 --> 01:56:28.960
–I still experienced pharyngeal
discomfort, every single day.

1155
01:56:29.600 --> 01:56:35.640
By that stage, however, I was
forced to concede that it was–

1156
01:56:35.720 --> 01:56:38.720
–psychosomatic in nature.

1157
01:56:38.960 --> 01:56:45.039
During this period, I developed an
intense fear of respiratory infections.

1158
01:56:45.399 --> 01:56:49.800
Merely hearing someone
cough twenty metres away–

1159
01:56:50.159 --> 01:56:52.960
–was enough to
trigger a panic–

1160
01:56:53.039 --> 01:56:58.560
–causing me to lose focus on
everything else for hours afterwards.

1161
01:56:59.279 --> 01:57:04.199
To this day, if I sense even the
slightest discomfort in my throat–

1162
01:57:04.319 --> 01:57:12.600
–or if I notice that my voice is not
quite right, I can still be seized by panic.

1163
01:57:17.960 --> 01:57:24.279
Clearly, 2018 and 2019 were
not happy years for me.

1164
01:57:24.920 --> 01:57:29.800
Although I felt a certain degree of support
from the people at the restaurant–

1165
01:57:29.840 --> 01:57:32.439
–all of my fundamental
problems remained.

1166
01:57:32.520 --> 01:57:34.760
Each and every
one of them.

1167
01:57:36.479 --> 01:57:42.000
And my time at the restaurant was
not an unmixed blessing, either.

1168
01:57:43.319 --> 01:57:47.359
Because there I was constantly
surrounded by people:

1169
01:57:47.479 --> 01:57:49.600
Staff and guests.

1170
01:57:50.319 --> 01:57:53.439
Consequently, I was
reminded on a daily basis–

1171
01:57:53.560 --> 01:57:57.800
–that other people had
friends and partners–

1172
01:57:57.880 --> 01:58:03.600
–and physically intimate,
perhaps even sexual, relationships.

1173
01:58:06.479 --> 01:58:13.119
It was particularly difficult when
the staff consisted of younger people.

1174
01:58:14.279 --> 01:58:18.880
I remember one evening
when a 20-year-old waitress–

1175
01:58:19.039 --> 01:58:24.159
–was working alongside
a 17-year-old trainee.

1176
01:58:25.960 --> 01:58:30.199
They were chatting
behind the bar–

1177
01:58:30.279 --> 01:58:33.840
–while I sat just a metre
away on the other side.

1178
01:58:34.600 --> 01:58:38.159
I was the only ‘guest’
remaining that day–

1179
01:58:38.239 --> 01:58:44.840
–so they conversed as unrestrainedly
as if they had been entirely alone–

1180
01:58:45.079 --> 01:58:52.119
–because to them, I was more like a
member of staff than a customer.

1181
01:58:53.359 --> 01:58:57.800
Indeed, this was something which
I appreciated deeply in general:

1182
01:58:57.880 --> 01:59:00.439
That I was
‘one of them’.

1183
01:59:01.640 --> 01:59:06.800
But this particular conversation
was not pleasant for me to listen to.

1184
01:59:07.720 --> 01:59:17.800
They were discussing the 17-year-old’s
boyfriend and her sexual activities with him.

1185
01:59:18.199 --> 01:59:25.720
They also touched upon the 20-year-old’s
partner and her sexual activities with him.

1186
01:59:28.279 --> 01:59:33.479
To me, this served as an
extremely clear reminder–

1187
01:59:33.840 --> 01:59:40.439
–that I lived alone in some parallel universe
that no one else even knew existed.

1188
01:59:41.439 --> 01:59:43.960
This was unimaginably painful–

1189
01:59:44.039 --> 01:59:48.199
–and I could do nothing
but sit there and listen.

1190
01:59:49.760 --> 01:59:54.399
Walking home that night,
I actually felt a certain pride–

1191
01:59:54.439 --> 01:59:59.720
–in having endured it all
without anyone noticing a thing.

1192
01:59:59.880 --> 02:00:04.439
But I was also
profoundly exhausted.

1193
02:00:10.560 --> 02:00:21.439
Then, one day in January
2020, came the final straw.

1194
02:00:22.520 --> 02:00:27.600
A waitress and a waiter,
both relatively young–

1195
02:00:27.840 --> 02:00:31.800
–were planning to meet
on the 25th of that month.

1196
02:00:31.960 --> 02:00:37.399
It wasn’t exactly a ‘date’, but
it sounded very much like one.

1197
02:00:38.960 --> 02:00:45.439
Throughout the month, they made their
plans and preparations for this meeting–

1198
02:00:45.560 --> 02:00:51.279
–while I sat in my front-row seat
at the bar, forced to listen to it all.

1199
02:00:51.840 --> 02:00:55.079
It was then that
I broke completely–

1200
02:00:55.439 --> 02:00:59.399
–and was once again admitted
to the emergency psychiatric ward.

1201
02:00:59.479 --> 02:01:06.479
After that, I never had any contact with
anyone from the restaurant ever again.

1202
02:01:10.760 --> 02:01:15.720
A catastrophe does not always
lead to something positive–

1203
02:01:15.880 --> 02:01:18.880
–but on this
occasion, it did.

1204
02:01:19.640 --> 02:01:22.239
I saw a new
psychiatrist–

1205
02:01:22.359 --> 02:01:25.520
–and returned
to SSRIs–

1206
02:01:25.880 --> 02:01:29.520
–not escitalopram this
time, but sertraline.

1207
02:01:30.640 --> 02:01:34.960
I was also signed off
on 50% sick leave–

1208
02:01:35.159 --> 02:01:40.079
–meaning I only had to spend
four hours a day at the office.

1209
02:01:41.560 --> 02:01:45.000
At the same time, the new
coronavirus appeared–

1210
02:01:45.119 --> 02:01:47.920
–and with it the
COVID-19 pandemic.

1211
02:01:49.079 --> 02:01:55.319
COVID-19 was an immense tragedy
that brought much pain and suffering–

1212
02:01:55.439 --> 02:02:03.000
–and had I been omnipotent,
I would have stopped it.

1213
02:02:04.319 --> 02:02:13.119
But for me, personally, life became
easier because of the pandemic.

1214
02:02:15.119 --> 02:02:20.319
To begin with, I had a severe
phobia of respiratory viruses.

1215
02:02:20.520 --> 02:02:25.680
Thus, the social restrictions
imposed during the pandemic–

1216
02:02:25.760 --> 02:02:28.359
–came as a
relief to me.

1217
02:02:29.239 --> 02:02:36.239
The pandemic also had an
impact on the public mood.

1218
02:02:37.319 --> 02:02:45.479
It felt like a state of emergency,
filled with uncertainty.

1219
02:02:46.039 --> 02:02:50.079
This mean that the mood
of the average person–

1220
02:02:50.159 --> 02:02:54.239
–suddenly became much
more similar to mine.

1221
02:02:54.640 --> 02:02:59.439
In a way, I felt less
like an outsider.

1222
02:03:02.359 --> 02:03:06.680
In addition, now that I no longer
spent my days at the restaurant–

1223
02:03:06.760 --> 02:03:10.319
–I spent all my free time
at home, by myself.

1224
02:03:11.079 --> 02:03:15.520
So I was no longer constantly
reminded that other people–

1225
02:03:15.600 --> 02:03:21.319
–had friends, partners,
and physical intimacy.

1226
02:03:21.520 --> 02:03:25.000
That source of pain
had been removed.

1227
02:03:26.239 --> 02:03:29.920
Consequently, now that
I was entirely alone–

1228
02:03:30.039 --> 02:03:33.199
–I felt much <i>less</i> alone.

1229
02:03:43.319 --> 02:03:47.720
These four circumstances
acted synergistically:

1230
02:03:48.119 --> 02:03:54.720
The SSRI, the sick leave, the pandemic,
and my new, solitary everyday life.

1231
02:03:54.960 --> 02:03:59.359
Together, they led to a significant
improvement in my health–

1232
02:03:59.439 --> 02:04:01.920
–during the
spring of 2020.

1233
02:04:02.600 --> 02:04:07.920
And since then, I have been in
better health than ever before.

1234
02:04:08.760 --> 02:04:12.640
Granted, I am still
something of a wreck–

1235
02:04:12.960 --> 02:04:16.000
–feeling slightly nervous
most of the time–

1236
02:04:16.079 --> 02:04:18.399
–sleeping through
most of the day–

1237
02:04:18.439 --> 02:04:21.119
–always with
aching fingers–

1238
02:04:21.159 --> 02:04:24.560
–and suffering from ‘throat
attacks’ every other week.

1239
02:04:24.600 --> 02:04:29.319
But for me, this level of health
is nonetheless excellent.

1240
02:04:32.920 --> 02:04:37.000
By now, many of you
are likely wondering–

1241
02:04:37.119 --> 02:04:41.640
–whether ‘Internet dating’ might
have been an option for me.

1242
02:04:42.880 --> 02:04:46.279
I have tried it over
the last twenty years–

1243
02:04:46.439 --> 02:04:50.439
–but it has never
worked for me.

1244
02:04:51.359 --> 02:04:59.119
I am too sensitive
and too ‘different’.

1245
02:05:00.720 --> 02:05:05.119
Just consider the
language barrier.

1246
02:05:06.279 --> 02:05:13.359
In the context of Internet dating,
one is usually looking for either–

1247
02:05:13.399 --> 02:05:18.960
–something ‘casual’
or something ‘serious’.

1248
02:05:20.239 --> 02:05:23.720
But what is it that
I am looking for?

1249
02:05:24.359 --> 02:05:31.439
Well, on the one hand, I am not
necessarily looking for someone–

1250
02:05:31.600 --> 02:05:36.720
–to spend the rest of my
life with, in total exclusivity.

1251
02:05:36.840 --> 02:05:40.680
That is not a
realistic goal for me.

1252
02:05:40.880 --> 02:05:49.520
Neither the exclusivity nor the
permanence is crucial to me–

1253
02:05:49.640 --> 02:05:52.760
–or even important.

1254
02:05:54.560 --> 02:06:00.039
In this respect, what I am
looking for appears to be ‘casual’.

1255
02:06:01.079 --> 02:06:04.760
However, when most
people think of ‘casual’–

1256
02:06:04.880 --> 02:06:10.279
–they imagine relationships that
are not based on much emotion–

1257
02:06:10.319 --> 02:06:13.399
–and certainly not on
anything deep or profound.

1258
02:06:13.479 --> 02:06:16.119
This is <i>not</i> the
case for me.

1259
02:06:16.199 --> 02:06:21.880
In my case, it involves an extremely
intense, almost existential need–

1260
02:06:22.000 --> 02:06:26.159
–for closeness, safety,
and belonging–

1261
02:06:26.279 --> 02:06:32.279
–with consequences for my health in
both the short and the very long term.

1262
02:06:32.560 --> 02:06:38.720
Consequently, whether I say I am looking
for something ‘casual’ or something ‘serious’–

1263
02:06:38.800 --> 02:06:41.920
–I am bound to
be misunderstood.

1264
02:06:42.319 --> 02:06:46.880
The same applies to the question
of whether I am looking for ‘sex’.

1265
02:06:46.960 --> 02:06:52.760
On the one hand, I certainly am, as I feel
a profound need for physical intimacy–

1266
02:06:52.840 --> 02:06:56.680
–with a clear link to
reproductive physiology.

1267
02:06:57.720 --> 02:07:03.199
On the other hand, I am <i>not</i>, because
almost everything associated with–

1268
02:07:03.399 --> 02:07:10.079
–‘adult sex’ feels utterly
strange and alien to me.

1269
02:07:10.199 --> 02:07:13.199
I want no
part in it.

1270
02:07:13.359 --> 02:07:20.760
So, whether I say I am looking for sex or not,
I am bound to be misunderstood once again.

1271
02:07:24.840 --> 02:07:28.960
In spite of all this, over
the last twenty years–

1272
02:07:29.079 --> 02:07:35.000
–I have spent a lot of time and money
(tens of thousands of Swedish kronor)–

1273
02:07:35.159 --> 02:07:38.159
–on Internet
dating services.

1274
02:07:39.359 --> 02:07:43.039
Needless to say, it has
not worked out very well.

1275
02:07:43.479 --> 02:07:48.880
If I reached out to a hundred people,
I was lucky if even one of them replied.

1276
02:07:49.000 --> 02:07:52.560
And when someone
did reply to me–

1277
02:07:52.720 --> 02:07:55.800
–it was usually someone
wanting to mock me–

1278
02:07:55.840 --> 02:08:01.920
–or, as is most common nowadays:
a standardised fraud attempt.

1279
02:08:05.880 --> 02:08:12.800
However, once I actually met
a real and interested woman.

1280
02:08:13.560 --> 02:08:18.399
It was recently,
perhaps in 2022.

1281
02:08:19.680 --> 02:08:23.119
We met once for a walk.

1282
02:08:24.239 --> 02:08:29.600
There was physical intimacy
in the form of holding hands.

1283
02:08:30.960 --> 02:08:34.960
To me, this was a
momentous event.

1284
02:08:35.159 --> 02:08:41.720
If you had measured my brain activity,
you would likely have seen a massive surge.

1285
02:08:42.399 --> 02:08:49.359
For one thing, it completely
demolished the wall I had erected–

1286
02:08:49.600 --> 02:08:53.600
–to protect myself from
the knowledge that–

1287
02:08:53.680 --> 02:08:58.319
–others have friends and
intimate relationships.

1288
02:09:01.000 --> 02:09:07.279
The plan was
to meet again–

1289
02:09:07.399 --> 02:09:10.760
–with even more physical
intimacy to follow.

1290
02:09:11.760 --> 02:09:20.880
However, for various reasons, things
were delayed and time just dragged on.

1291
02:09:22.560 --> 02:09:25.760
She also happened to mention–

1292
02:09:25.880 --> 02:09:29.319
–that she was interested in
someone else as a partner.

1293
02:09:29.439 --> 02:09:37.159
She assumed it was understood that a
partnership was not on the cards for us–

1294
02:09:37.439 --> 02:09:41.399
–which in itself was
perfectly fine by me–

1295
02:09:42.159 --> 02:09:47.119
–but the conversation nonetheless
triggered a host of painful memories.

1296
02:09:47.359 --> 02:09:51.720
I had a complete
breakdown.

1297
02:09:52.239 --> 02:09:59.399
She became frightened
and cut off all contact.

1298
02:10:03.840 --> 02:10:09.319
I believe this incident
confirms my hypothesis:

1299
02:10:10.000 --> 02:10:14.319
I am too sensitive
and too ‘unusual’ for–

1300
02:10:14.640 --> 02:10:20.479
–these mainstream
Internet dating services.

1301
02:10:23.319 --> 02:10:26.319
It is not a safe
environment for me–

1302
02:10:26.560 --> 02:10:35.560
–and by being there, I likely make it
a less safe place for others as well.

1303
02:10:39.239 --> 02:10:48.960
Actually, it is even more difficult
than I have so far made it out to be.

1304
02:10:51.199 --> 02:10:59.399
When I was a child, I was
interested in females my own age–

1305
02:10:59.720 --> 02:11:02.720
–classmates, for instance.

1306
02:11:05.479 --> 02:11:09.359
But after upper secondary
school, something happened.

1307
02:11:09.520 --> 02:11:14.279
While my own age
continued to rise–

1308
02:11:14.399 --> 02:11:20.600
–my ‘preferred partner age’
levelled off.

1309
02:11:21.119 --> 02:11:28.560
So, even today, it is the 18–22 age
bracket, say, that I am interested in.

1310
02:11:29.159 --> 02:11:32.800
Not with any hard
borders, of course.

1311
02:11:32.880 --> 02:11:37.399
It’s likely a Gaussian distribution
or something of the sort.

1312
02:11:38.840 --> 02:11:47.119
And in my case, these
boundaries are important.

1313
02:11:48.239 --> 02:11:54.319
For instance, I could definitely not
imagine any kind of intimate relationship–

1314
02:11:54.520 --> 02:11:57.520
–with a woman in her 40s–

1315
02:11:58.079 --> 02:12:04.800
–any more than I could imagine such a
relationship with a man in his 70s, say.

1316
02:12:07.359 --> 02:12:12.479
Why my brain is wired
this way, I do not know.

1317
02:12:13.640 --> 02:12:15.800
Perhaps it is a
consequence of my–

1318
02:12:15.880 --> 02:12:23.239
–having daily contact with my peers
until the end of upper secondary–

1319
02:12:23.359 --> 02:12:29.199
–at which point I abruptly lost all
regular contact with my age group.

1320
02:12:29.560 --> 02:12:35.039
Maybe that plays a
part in it; I don’t know.

1321
02:12:37.840 --> 02:12:43.479
Now, I am sure there are those
who think I am a ‘horrible’ person–

1322
02:12:43.560 --> 02:12:46.399
–because of this
age preference.

1323
02:12:49.920 --> 02:12:55.800
But you should keep in mind that this is
not something I have chosen for myself.

1324
02:12:57.520 --> 02:13:00.359
If I had been
able to choose–

1325
02:13:00.479 --> 02:13:06.600
–the curve would not
look like this at all.

1326
02:13:09.199 --> 02:13:13.399
In 2018, I hit upon the idea
of travelling to Copenhagen–

1327
02:13:13.479 --> 02:13:19.960
–as it is legal there to
buy physical intimacy.

1328
02:13:21.359 --> 02:13:28.039
These establishments do not appear to
be primarily aimed at people like me.

1329
02:13:28.279 --> 02:13:32.239
At least not judging
by their marketing–

1330
02:13:32.319 --> 02:13:37.720
–which is full of
images emphasising–

1331
02:13:38.000 --> 02:13:41.199
–breasts and
gluteal regions–

1332
02:13:41.359 --> 02:13:47.720
–‘strange’ outfits,
postures, and behaviours.

1333
02:13:49.359 --> 02:13:52.760
I find their marketing
quite unpleasant.

1334
02:13:52.880 --> 02:13:56.600
It has a purely
deterrent effect on me.

1335
02:13:58.439 --> 02:14:07.960
But I understood that behind those
unpleasant images were ordinary people.

1336
02:14:09.439 --> 02:14:16.359
And so, I travelled to Copenhagen
a few times that year nonetheless.

1337
02:14:18.800 --> 02:14:23.920
Each time, I was met by a woman
who was almost entirely naked.

1338
02:14:24.159 --> 02:14:28.560
I found this nudity rather
uncomfortable, even slightly daunting.

1339
02:14:28.720 --> 02:14:36.399
I would have much preferred it if she
had been wearing ordinary clothes.

1340
02:14:39.800 --> 02:14:47.920
The very first time, I was petrified
with a mixture of terror and delight–

1341
02:14:48.039 --> 02:14:55.560
–lying completely motionless in bed
as she performed various activities–

1342
02:14:55.680 --> 02:15:00.039
–which included (mild
forms of) ‘adult sex’.

1343
02:15:01.199 --> 02:15:05.359
While I did not find this
disturbing or frightening–

1344
02:15:05.520 --> 02:15:09.880
–it was maybe not quite
what I was looking for.

1345
02:15:12.319 --> 02:15:17.119
Subsequent trips
went a little better.

1346
02:15:17.359 --> 02:15:20.920
Even though I was
still extremely nervous–

1347
02:15:20.960 --> 02:15:26.119
–I nonetheless managed to convey
my own level of experience.

1348
02:15:26.359 --> 02:15:31.880
So these encounters ended
up more suited to my needs.

1349
02:15:32.119 --> 02:15:36.680
90% of the time, we simply
lay next to each other talking–

1350
02:15:36.720 --> 02:15:42.560
–holding hands and sharing a gentle
touch, mostly me being caressed.

1351
02:15:45.840 --> 02:15:51.279
To me, it is an almost
religious experience–

1352
02:15:51.479 --> 02:15:56.439
–to be that close to a
living, breathing woman.

1353
02:15:57.279 --> 02:16:04.039
It is an indescribable, mind-blowing,
out-of-this world experience–

1354
02:16:04.239 --> 02:16:08.479
–being that close to her–

1355
02:16:08.560 --> 02:16:19.960
–holding her hands and
having her touch my body.

1356
02:16:25.960 --> 02:16:30.359
Still, I only made a
handful of trips that year–

1357
02:16:30.439 --> 02:16:33.879
–primarily due
to the high cost.

1358
02:16:34.600 --> 02:16:40.440
A trip to Copenhagen, including a couple
of hours at such an establishment–

1359
02:16:40.559 --> 02:16:45.280
–runs to between ten and
twenty thousand Swedish kronor.

1360
02:16:46.360 --> 02:16:52.120
The journey takes at least five hours,
making an overnight stay necessary–

1361
02:16:52.319 --> 02:16:56.000
–which of course adds
to the overall expense.

1362
02:17:00.159 --> 02:17:03.719
There are also other
circumstances that–

1363
02:17:03.799 --> 02:17:07.680
–make me less inclined
to go on these trips.

1364
02:17:07.920 --> 02:17:14.559
Although the establishments
provide photos of the practitioners–

1365
02:17:14.760 --> 02:17:19.959
–they never
show their faces.

1366
02:17:20.280 --> 02:17:24.000
So a significant part of the
practitioner’s appearance–

1367
02:17:24.040 --> 02:17:26.479
–remains unknown
until you arrive–

1368
02:17:26.520 --> 02:17:29.760
–which doesn’t feel
entirely reassuring.

1369
02:17:30.760 --> 02:17:35.920
It has also happened that I have travelled
to Copenhagen only to be informed–

1370
02:17:36.000 --> 02:17:40.920
–that the practitioner had fallen ill and
our meeting thus had been cancelled.

1371
02:17:40.959 --> 02:17:43.959
That was a bit of a
disappointment for me.

1372
02:17:47.319 --> 02:17:55.079
On the whole, however, I must say that
the two establishments I’ve visited–

1373
02:17:55.239 --> 02:17:58.239
–feel very safe.

1374
02:17:58.920 --> 02:18:01.920
Safe and professional.

1375
02:18:02.399 --> 02:18:06.319
The manager has always
been a middle-aged woman–

1376
02:18:06.639 --> 02:18:12.959
–and they have always had
well-thought-out rules–

1377
02:18:13.239 --> 02:18:20.120
–that guarantee the safety,
integrity, and security–

1378
02:18:20.200 --> 02:18:23.680
–of practitioners
and clients.

1379
02:18:24.799 --> 02:18:27.079
No exceptions
are ever made.

1380
02:18:27.680 --> 02:18:30.680
Medical safety is a
prioritised issue.

1381
02:18:30.879 --> 02:18:35.600
Again, no exceptions are made
that would compromise this.

1382
02:18:36.200 --> 02:18:43.639
There are also clear rules of conduct
that all guests are required to follow.

1383
02:18:46.520 --> 02:18:57.479
The practitioners have always struck me as
being very outgoing, strong, and cheerful.

1384
02:18:59.159 --> 02:19:04.639
I am under the impression that they
have received some specialised training–

1385
02:19:04.799 --> 02:19:12.239
–given how professional, confident, and
psychologically astute they are in their manner.

1386
02:19:15.200 --> 02:19:24.319
Several of these establishments
also offer specific services–

1387
02:19:24.479 --> 02:19:29.600
–for people with
some form of disability–

1388
02:19:29.719 --> 02:19:35.280
–who may find it difficult to find
physical intimacy on their own.

1389
02:19:36.399 --> 02:19:41.520
Another factor that contributes
to the sense of security–

1390
02:19:41.639 --> 02:19:45.639
–is the stringent way in
which these establishments–

1391
02:19:45.719 --> 02:19:49.520
–comply with applicable
laws and regulations.

1392
02:19:50.280 --> 02:19:56.000
During the pandemic, for instance,
they fully adhered to the guidelines–

1393
02:19:56.040 --> 02:20:01.280
–issued by the Danish health authorities,
which included specific protocols for–

1394
02:20:01.319 --> 02:20:04.200
–people with disabilities.

1395
02:20:06.479 --> 02:20:13.440
These certainly are establishments that do
not hide from the police and the authorities.

1396
02:20:13.520 --> 02:20:18.639
Instead, they cooperate
with them fully–

1397
02:20:18.760 --> 02:20:25.200
–in a way that feels perfectly
natural from a Danish perspective–

1398
02:20:25.280 --> 02:20:30.479
–and utterly incomprehensible
from a Swedish one.

1399
02:20:34.079 --> 02:20:48.200
So, while I may not belong to the typical
clientele of these establishments–

1400
02:20:48.559 --> 02:20:53.319
–they nonetheless provide me
with a legal and ethical means–

1401
02:20:53.600 --> 02:20:56.319
–of receiving
physical intimacy.

1402
02:20:59.280 --> 02:21:04.959
I have now told my story
as concisely as possible–

1403
02:21:05.120 --> 02:21:08.879
–under the condition that
the picture presented–

1404
02:21:08.959 --> 02:21:14.920
–remains reasonably
comprehensible, clear, and nuanced.

1405
02:21:17.120 --> 02:21:21.639
What, then, is my purpose
in telling this story?

1406
02:21:23.239 --> 02:21:29.200
For one thing, I want to show
that there are people like me–

1407
02:21:29.399 --> 02:21:33.040
–who face these
kinds of challenges.

1408
02:21:35.239 --> 02:21:39.319
More generally, I want to
broaden the horizons–

1409
02:21:39.479 --> 02:21:46.920
–of people at large, politicians, policy-
makers, and healthcare professionals–

1410
02:21:47.360 --> 02:21:52.319
–to make them more
aware of these difficulties–

1411
02:21:52.399 --> 02:22:01.440
–and other situations where individuals
are marginalised and misunderstood.

1412
02:22:05.520 --> 02:22:10.000
Looking at my story, one
can see numerous conflicts–

1413
02:22:10.079 --> 02:22:14.959
–and profound personal
suffering for all those involved.

1414
02:22:16.959 --> 02:22:21.319
As an outsider, it is easy
to dismiss this account–

1415
02:22:21.399 --> 02:22:28.000
–by concluding that it is all my fault
and that I only have myself to blame.

1416
02:22:28.399 --> 02:22:32.840
Some of my classmates at medical
school took this very stance.

1417
02:22:34.799 --> 02:22:42.040
While that may be simple and convenient,
I do not believe it is a constructive way–

1418
02:22:42.159 --> 02:22:45.879
–to approach problems
of this nature.

1419
02:22:50.399 --> 02:22:55.360
But what, then, do I believe
society could have done for me?

1420
02:22:56.799 --> 02:23:02.559
Imagine if everyone had been like my
classmate Klara from upper secondary.

1421
02:23:02.879 --> 02:23:11.479
She was truly unique in her desire to help
the vulnerable in a practical, hands-on way.

1422
02:23:12.159 --> 02:23:14.239
Had everyone
been like her–

1423
02:23:14.319 --> 02:23:20.920
–there would be very little room for
marginalisation and alienation in the world.

1424
02:23:21.920 --> 02:23:27.000
But to expect everyone to be
like her is, of course, not realistic.

1425
02:23:28.280 --> 02:23:36.879
A much more realistic alternative
would have been early, specialised–

1426
02:23:36.959 --> 02:23:39.959
–intervention
from public services.

1427
02:23:41.600 --> 02:23:48.000
By my final years of compulsory school,
my problems had become quite obvious.

1428
02:23:48.440 --> 02:23:55.840
Imagine if I had been able to see a
specialist in these types of difficulties–

1429
02:23:56.079 --> 02:23:59.959
–once or twice a week.

1430
02:24:01.000 --> 02:24:06.760
We could have discussed everything
related to friendship and physical intimacy.

1431
02:24:07.040 --> 02:24:10.639
Perhaps such a specialist
would have grasped–

1432
02:24:10.799 --> 02:24:15.680
–just how profound the need for
physical intimacy was for me–

1433
02:24:15.879 --> 02:24:21.159
–exactly how traumatic it
was, and could become–

1434
02:24:21.360 --> 02:24:27.680
–and just how badly things might
go without the right support.

1435
02:24:30.079 --> 02:24:37.239
Perhaps they could have offered
practical advice that actually worked.

1436
02:24:37.600 --> 02:24:41.200
Perhaps there could even
have been an association–

1437
02:24:41.360 --> 02:24:45.520
–for people facing
similar challenges.

1438
02:24:52.879 --> 02:24:57.399
Even without such
early intervention–

1439
02:24:57.559 --> 02:25:01.959
–I believe public services
could still have helped me.

1440
02:25:03.360 --> 02:25:07.360
It would, for instance, have been
a tremendous help to receive–

1441
02:25:07.399 --> 02:25:10.479
–some form of support
during my university years.

1442
02:25:10.600 --> 02:25:15.600
Ideally as early as my time as a
doctoral student in mathematics.

1443
02:25:19.239 --> 02:25:25.600
And at the medical programme,
I had very much hoped to be seen.

1444
02:25:28.840 --> 02:25:33.959
The physicians there represented not
only the Swedish medical profession–

1445
02:25:34.040 --> 02:25:36.840
–but also the state.

1446
02:25:37.879 --> 02:25:45.879
They, above all, should have had both
the motivation and the competence–

1447
02:25:46.120 --> 02:25:48.920
–to see me for who I was–

1448
02:25:49.079 --> 02:25:53.079
–and to help me in a
mutually constructive way.

1449
02:25:56.000 --> 02:26:01.000
This was especially expected given that
the medical programme in Linköping–

1450
02:26:01.079 --> 02:26:03.879
–emphasised a
scientific approach–

1451
02:26:04.000 --> 02:26:07.000
–and awareness of
cognitive biases.

1452
02:26:08.319 --> 02:26:11.399
Reading fiction
was mandatory.

1453
02:26:11.440 --> 02:26:15.440
There was a significant focus on
clinical communication skills–

1454
02:26:15.479 --> 02:26:20.239
–and on a holistic perspective of
the human being in its social context.

1455
02:26:22.920 --> 02:26:31.319
Yet, I saw no trace of any of this when the
faculty leadership addressed my case.

1456
02:26:31.879 --> 02:26:40.319
Rather, it felt as though they were
acting as representatives of the state–

1457
02:26:40.399 --> 02:26:45.440
–intent on implementing
a state ideology–

1458
02:26:45.840 --> 02:26:53.600
–even if it required them to deviate from
established ethical and scientific principles.

1459
02:26:57.159 --> 02:27:00.719
I believe it was primarily
a matter of ignorance.

1460
02:27:00.799 --> 02:27:03.559
Perhaps a degree of
fear and peer pressure.

1461
02:27:03.680 --> 02:27:06.680
Ingrained preconceptions.

1462
02:27:07.559 --> 02:27:10.559
But above all,
ignorance.

1463
02:27:15.959 --> 02:27:22.200
Regarding physical
intimacy, I wish I could–

1464
02:27:22.239 --> 02:27:26.719
–access it in Sweden in a
safe and secure manner.

1465
02:27:27.799 --> 02:27:34.280
Ideally, it would be offered
through the healthcare system.

1466
02:27:35.399 --> 02:27:43.799
It could be offered to individuals
with a clinically confirmed–

1467
02:27:43.879 --> 02:27:49.280
–difficulty to form such
relationships on their own–

1468
02:27:49.559 --> 02:27:54.840
–if, in addition, the lack of such
intimacy has a profound–

1469
02:27:54.959 --> 02:28:05.959
–adverse effect on the patient’s
health and quality of life.

1470
02:28:07.360 --> 02:28:14.120
Under such circumstances, society
could provide various forms of contact–

1471
02:28:14.280 --> 02:28:17.079
–including physical intimacy–

1472
02:28:17.239 --> 02:28:25.280
–facilitated by well-trained volunteers
of various genders and ages.

1473
02:28:27.520 --> 02:28:31.680
This may seem like
a preposterous idea–

1474
02:28:32.959 --> 02:28:37.360
–and it is easy to
dismiss it as nonsense–

1475
02:28:37.559 --> 02:28:43.920
–if one is unaware of the struggles faced by
people with these kinds of difficulties.

1476
02:28:44.120 --> 02:28:48.799
Again: my intent is to show
that such people do exist.

1477
02:28:54.040 --> 02:29:03.040
On a more personal note, I suppose
I have a great need to process trauma.

1478
02:29:06.319 --> 02:29:12.799
I also harbour a profound wish
to one day live in a society–

1479
02:29:12.879 --> 02:29:15.959
–that accepts me
for who I am.

1480
02:29:16.760 --> 02:29:20.479
One that believes
what I say.

1481
02:29:23.200 --> 02:29:33.840
And, ideally, one that can
offer some form of support.

1482
02:29:44.639 --> 02:29:52.799
Someday, I would like
Sweden to be <i>my</i> country.